Last night Mama asked, “When I’m old, can I go home?”
And though I half smile at the innocent wonder of her words, I ache inside, as I try to grasp her feelings. She’s in the house she’s lived in for over fifty years—but she wants to go home.
She often hollers out, “Mama! Mama, where are you?” It’s the most frequent cry of her heart.
And I try to imagine what it’s like to not know where you are and to be wanting your mama so desperately and unable to find her… and to have pain and not be able to explain it, and to have needs and not have the words to express to them.
I so want to comfort her and give her peace.
And then I read Psalm 139 this morning. I read about how God knows our thoughts and is acquainted with all our ways. I read about how He hedges us behind and before.
I read, (vs. 7 to 10, NKJV) “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.”
And it gives me such comfort to know that Mama is not alone. She may not recognize God’s presence with her at this time, but He IS with her. When I can’t understand her thoughts, when she can’t even understand her own, God does.
He knows her thoughts. And even when she is in the very worst darkness of Alzheimer’s, she is never truly alone. Her Heavenly Father is with her. His right hand is holding her. He is hedging her behind and before.
Mama knew Jesus when her mind was healthy, and He knows her always. He will never, ever leave her.
He is preparing her forever home. And in His perfect time Mama will find her Mama again. What a joyous reunion it will be!
And yes, Mama. When you are old, you can go home.