I wish I could give my mama a big hug and comfort her enough that her fears and worries would dissolve away. She seems agitated so often. Dad told me last week that one night she lay in bed talking until 1:30 in the morning. I asked him what she was saying.
“Oh,” he answered, “Things like, where’s my mama? Where am I? I don’t know where I am. I want my mama!”
It hurts to think of her so confused and scared and unable to sleep because of it.
Last night I visited with Mom awhile so Dad could have a shower without worrying what she was doing. She is really in to moving things around these days, which is tough on Dad especially since he has so little vision left.
Mom seemed pleasant with me at first. As we were talking she’d respond to things I shared with, “Oh my goodness!” Or she’d laugh. I could almost pretend she was her old self. But then she’d start talking gibberish. And randomly say things like “funny bunny” or “Annabel”.
She also often says, “Butter up! Butter up! Butter up!” Over and over. And then, “Buh,buh,buh,buh…” And then brrrrrrrrddd, rolling her tongue.
I can tell when she’s getting tense because her voice gets louder and more strident. When that started happening tonight I began singing with her. She joined in on “You are my Sunshine” and seemed to calm down. She said, “That’s good.”
But soon she started asking where Dad was and getting up and wandering around and hollering. Later in the evening Dad called me to find out what time it was. He has a talking watch, but he’d forgotten to put it on after his shower and Mom had moved it somewhere. I could hear her shouting at the top of her lungs in the background.
I’m often amazed at how Dad manages diabetes and blindness and a wife who needs constant care and is often hollering and making messes and moving his things.
And though he has his moments, most of the time he’s cheerful and pleasant and thanking me for what I do. He prays a lot and listens to his Bible and is such an example for me of pressing on and doing what needs to be done—relying on God for strength.
I wish I could give Dad a big hug and somehow hug away all his stresses and health issues.
Sometimes their hurts weigh especially heavy on my heart. I just want everything to be better for them. And though I’ve often prayed for healing for both of them, God hasn’t granted it yet.
He’s allowing us to stay in this shadowy bog for now. Maybe there are lessons that we can only learn in this place. Maybe there are ways we can glorify Him as we plod through these muddy waters.
I don’t know His purposes exactly. But I do know that we are never alone here. Our Shepherd is always with us. He will lead us to times by still waters and rest in green pastures. His rod and His staff will continue to comfort us. He will never, ever leave us alone.
And someday he will hug each of His own close to His heart and all the stresses and health concerns and every problem will melt away for eternity.