Right Where I Want to Be

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I’m so grateful I started writing down Mama stories years ago. How I savor the memories now, as I relive the moments, when Mama and Daddy were still with us. And Mama was still walking and talking and challenging me and always somehow making me smile through the tears.  

I can almost feel her warm hug and her head on my shoulder and her pats on my arm. I can almost hear her voice and laugh…

August 18, 2014

Mama makes me smile so often. Even though there are challenges in most visits, I am still blessed to be with her and cherish the times we share…

Mom is walking down the hallway towards me. I hold open my arms, and she walks into them and gives me a hug as she says, “Hi honey bunny!”

We go through our challenging things—changing her and getting her to brush her teeth. Then we sit on the love seat and she looks me in the eyes and says, “You are…?”
“Cheryl.”
“Cheryl,” Mom repeats with satisfaction. “Cheryl Lynn?”
“Yes,” I answer with a smile of my own satisfaction. “Who are you?”
“Cheryl,” Mom cheerfully replies as she throws her wadded up tissue into the middle of the living room floor. And then adds, “Right now.”

Dad comes walking into the room. “Who’s that?” Mom asks.
“Yeah, who is that?”
“Ask him,” Mom says.
“You ask him,” I challenge back.
Mom shouts to Dad, “Raymon! She wants to talk to you!” We all chuckle.

I read Mom’s life stories to her. I sing songs as she leans her head on my shoulder and pats my arm. I pause, waiting for her to fill in words or phrases. She does now and then, but not much.

She puts a blanket over her lap and extends part of it to me. “You can have half. If you don’t want it you can give it to someone else.”

When it’s time to leave I hug Mama and kiss her goodnight and tell her I love her. And I do the same with Daddy.

And as I leave, I think how tender these strange and quirky moments are…How sweet it is to be called honey bunny. How precious it is that she can still remember Lynn goes with Cheryl.

How heart-warming it is that she wants to give me half her blanket. And I know I don’t want to give it to anyone else. Because cuddling next to Mama, sharing her blanket, is right where I want to be.

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13 comments

  1. Precious memories 💗 Such a comfort that she is safe with our Lord and Saviour now and that you know you will see her and your daddy again one day! May God continue to bless you and your family. Xo

  2. Truly heartwarming. I’m experiencing special moments in the midst of quirky difficult times right now with my mom. Thank you for the gentle reminder to savor them, and to keep on writing them down.

  3. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy your stories about your mom and how they mirror my life with my mom now. I wish I had been journaling for the past 5 years. Although, in the beginning I think my stories would have been dismal and gloomy as I was so missing who my mom used to be. The new mom is sometimes angry, sometimes scared and out of control, but often funny and quirky and makes me laugh and I have learned to just “go with it” and be thankful for those “fun” days when it’s 13 0’clock all day long. You provide such a ministry for those of us going through this strange, frightening journey with our loved ones. God bless.

    1. Thank you so much, Ivy, for your kind and encouraging comments! I relate to all you’re saying, too. In some ways it was more gloomy at first, and I wasn’t writing then, either. I was worrying and crying a lot. We didn’t realize Mom had Alzheimer’s at first, but we knew something was wrong. And she was angry so much, which was unlike her. She took it out mostly on Dad and me, because we were the ones “interfering” in her life. I think she knew something was wrong too and was fighting it and blaming us.
      Things calmed down some when she got further along. We even had a few years where she was sweet and compliant, before she got angry again. Such a journey! I’m thankful for the grace God gave, and continues to give, as I miss her now. God bless you! And thanks again!
      ~Cheryl

  4. Sometimes the memories make my eyes leak all day, and sometimes they make me LOL! Truly, I’m thankful for my mom and I do miss her so much! That first year anniversary, the day I held her hand as she left with Jesus, is coming up quickly and I’m feeling more sad than happy. Or, maybe it’s my first birthday without mom this week. What has been helpful and healing for you with these “firsts” without momma?

    1. I can understand how both these things would make you more emotional. I was surprised how weepy I was the whole week of my birthday, and kind of a mess on the day itself. At least in the morning. My family was so good to me, and grandchildren visited, so that helped so much. I wrote a post about it, My First Shadow Birthday.
      https://chermor2.com/2018/05/10/my-first-shadow-birthday/
      Sometimes I think you just have to go through the emotions, and there is healing in that. Be gentle with yourself. Spend extra time with Jesus. Do things that make you happy.Know that you are not alone in all the emotions you’re having.
      Praying you have a blessed birthday, Tammy. And that you feel the love of Jesus and others holding you up and surrounding you.
      ~Cheryl

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