The Thing I Should Never Doubt

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November 3, 2013

I’m learning there is one thing I should never doubt.

I brought Mom’s pill boxes over this afternoon and was just in time to see my brother Mike as he was leaving in his car. He’d just installed another automatic faucet in the second sink of the bathroom. Mom has had a habit of turning the faucets on, but not off. Sometimes Dad doesn’t notice it until hours later.

And then there were also a few times when she threw tissues or a washcloth in the bottom of the sink and left the water running and flooded the bathroom. So motion activated faucets that turn off automatically should help with this problem.

As I opened Dad’s front door I said good bye to another brother, as he was leaving. I sat down next to Mom on the love seat. She rested her head on my arm and patted my arm softly with her fingers. I asked her, “Did you see the boys today?”
“The boys?”
“Did you see Mike?”
“No.”
“Did you James?”
“No.”
“Did you see Raymon?”
“No.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“Well, you’re Cheryl,” she answered confidently. But then added, “Aren’t you?”

A little later I was helping her change. And then I hugged her and said, “I love you, Mama”
She calmly answered, “I doubt it.”
“I really do. I love you, Mama.”
Again she said, “I doubt it.”

She’s confused. But I don’t want her to doubt my love. I want her to know it and be comforted by it, and it makes me sad that her confusion is blocking this.

And it makes me think, how God is always looking out for me. He sends people to help me and sometimes I’m not paying enough attention to notice. He answers prayers and provides for me and solves problems and I forget to thank Him sometimes.

And even though He surrounds me with evidence of His love sometimes I doubt it. Sometimes I question why He has us go through such hard things. And I want more peace and more joy and more fun and more encouragement so that I’m ever more convinced of His love.

And I wonder if God feels like I did, when Mom said she doubted my love.

I wonder if it makes His heart heavy. I wonder if He thinks, “Really? You doubt my love? Don’t you see all that I’m doing to take care of you? Don’t you see all the loving people I’ve put in your life? Can’t you just know and trust the depth of my love, even if you are confused?”

And I realize Mom can’t help it. But I can. I can live with a heart of thankfulness, noticing the blessings, moment by moment. I can look for every fingerprint of God’s love in my life. And I can remember that, no matter how hard the day may be, He is with me and He loves me. No doubt.

I’m learning there is one thing I should never doubt.

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8 comments

  1. My mom passed away this weekend. She so wanted Jesus to come for her…she was so ready. But I too would ask, have you heard from the boys lately 😁. Friends always laughed at that. It’s funny because I thought we were there only ones who said ‘the boys’! So it is fun to hear you say the same thing.

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss, Kristine J. Im glad reading about “the boys” gives you a smile! And I’m especially thankful to hear your mom was ready to meet Jesus. What a comfort that is. May He give you continued grace and comfort now.

  2. I so needed to read this today. I too doubt Gods love for me when times are hard. Your comparison to how you felt when your Mom doubted your love really hit me, like yes that’s how it must be when someone doesn’t trust that you love them. Like we are letting God down by not acknowledging all the ways he shows his love.

    1. I hope it encouraged you, Kristine. There are so many emotions in life and God knows that since He created us. But He does always love His children. May you feel the depth of that love surrounding you!

  3. I’m with my mother right now. It is so hard to not be able to have a conversation with her. My brother’s birthday is tomorrow and she has no idea. Her birthday was last week and she has no idea how old she is. It breaks my heart. But, you’re right. This is all part of God’s plan and she is SO content with where she is in His plan. My parents dressed up a lot and went out to a lot of social things. It was a part of my childhood I remember fondly…watching her and my dad get dressed up and go out for the evening. Today, she said I could get rid of all of the beautiful ball gowns. She said with confidence that she will never wear them again. I can’t do it though. It’s too much for me to let go. She has accepted His plan. She is perfectly content. The rest of us are still struggling.

    1. I understand how you feel TCE. You are not alone. We couldn’t give up my mom’s sewing machine either, even though she never used it. It had been so important to her when she was healthy. It’s ok to grieve. God is with us then, too. It’s a comfort to know your mother is content though. May God continue to give you grace for the journey as you trust in Him. Thank you for sharing. 💕

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