Posted by I was skimming some other dementia blogs lately and a reader had written in saying, that though she felt guilty about it, she wished her mother would die in her sleep and not have to continue living through the pain and indignity of dementia. I’ve heard others say things like, “I’ve told my kids if I ever get Alzheimer’s just shoot me.”
I understand where these comments are coming from, but they make my heart heavy. I feel like these attitudes devalue my Mom’s life right now. Even though they are not specifically referencing her, they are in effect saying that people like her are better off dead. It is hard to see Mom changing and confused and upset. But she still has sweet times of love and joy, too. And God still has a purpose for her life.
He is growing our patience as we care for her. He is developing our tenderness and mercy. God is giving us opportunities to show love to a dear mom who loved us all so well when she was able and strong. He’s sending us smiles and laughter with Mom’s quirky ways and funny words. He’s challenging us to love faithfully when she is angry and difficult.
People with dementia are still people. And God still has a plan for their lives. Even when they are bedridden and can do nothing at all, maybe their very life keeps us clinging to God more. Maybe their very existence draws us closer to God as we seek Him and cry out to Him.
I fear having AD someday myself. (My mind already concerns me too often.) But if that day comes I’m not going to tell my kids, even jokingly, to just shoot me. What I would say to them is this…. Pray and trust God to guide you. Get as much help as you can. I don’t want you to sacrifice your life plans or family for my sake, but I want to always be part of your life.
If you need to find a nursing home for me, I understand. Pray about it and seek wisely. And then visit me often. Even if I don’t seem to know you, believe in your heart that part of me does. Hold my hand and talk to me. Tell me all about your life. Sing to me and read the Bible to me, please. Brush my hair and tell me memories of your childhood.
If I’m still able to chew be sure to bring chocolate. (You know your mom.) And hopefully I’ll have some adorable grandchildren to marvel over.
And don’t forget to take some time to just sit quietly next to me. Hold my wrinkled hand and let God whisper to your soul. I’m so sorry you have to go through this painful journey with me, but God will give you strength and grow you through it all. Hold fast unto Him. Sink deep into His love.
Everything will be better in heaven. Meanwhile, when I can’t talk anymore; just know that I love you forever and that being a mom to you was an honor and the delight of my life.
That’s what I’d say to my children. Oh, and I might throw in a “Be nice to your brother” for old-time’s sake.
God's Grace and Life's Challenges 
At my mother’s funeral I told her friends and family that even though Alzheimer’s had stolen my Mom many years earlier she had continued to teach me. She taught me patience and cooperation and the ability to accept defeat without being defeated and to trust in God. And she taught me the true meaning of selfless love. God blessed us all.
I love your perspective, Carolyn! Thank you for sharing! May God continue to bless you! ~Cheryl
Thank you for your response. Accept defeat without being defeated. Going to write that one on my mirror!
This is so very important to read, makes people like myself understand so much more about this illness! God Bless both of you! A M E N
Thank you so much, Bonnie!
I love what you wrote. My dad has Alzheimer’s and as hard as it is I do truly see the blessings and the humbleness in myself and my closeness to God . He is sweet and loves me even though sometimes he thinks I am mom his wife . I just go with it. Yes… selfless love ….. and defeated but yet not with so much trust in God. God bless you
Thanks for that!!
My husband had this 5 years prior to his passing! We had some good days, we cherished.He always knew me, he was kind and a gental man. The last 4 weeks prior to his passing were heartbreaking he broke his hip and developed phenmonia. We were married almost 56 years.I did everything I knew for him and as hard as it was I would doit all over again RIP my love, I miss you so very much.
God bless you for all you did to serve your husband. What a blessing that he always knew you! May God comfort you and give you grace. ~Cheryl
It was so nice to read your story and I admire you for what you did and that’s how it should be! Bless both of you!
My sweet mamaw who raised me passed at 95 years old. Even tho her memory was gone, she never forgot her God! Sitting with her and singing “The old Rugged cross with her ” blessed my heart. He never forgot her choir songs. The greatest blessing it taught us to stop, put down the cell and look at her and listen to her precious songs. One day when I went by on Christmas Day she was not doing well. She was sleeping most of the day. I put on praise music and I sat by her bed and held her hand. I also took a picture of Us holding hands. A good friend took the picture from Facebook after she passed and had a necklace made for me. I cherish the months I had with this wise woman! The last few months changed my heart, I am forever grateful!
Thank you, Melisa! I love your perspective! Thanks for sharing it and God bless you! ~Cheryl
God Bless You!
This really hit home with me. I don’t want my children to go through this with me, but I can say that the three years my Mother was in a nursing home with Alzheimers, changed me. My love for her grew more and more each day as I went to spend time with her and care for her needs. I did her laundry, kept her clothes ironed and brought new outfits, which she noticed. I sang to her, prayed for her, walked the halls with her, Daddy and I brought candy bars and sometimes I just sat with tears in my eyes as she rested. She was mobile (with a merry walker) right up to the end when she had a traumatic fall. My love, my compassion, my ability to do things I never thought I could do has increased and made me a different person.
Judy, I understand what you’re saying. I grew closer to my mom through it all, too, and learned so much. I miss her so much now, too. Thank you for sharing your story and example! God bless! ~Cheryl
Nothing wrong with your perspective, but I can’t agree with you that those who feel they don’t want to live with dementia in any way devalue your mother’s life – or yours. They represent other ways of valuing life.
I’m on dialysis. I’ve chosen not to have a kidney transplant. That is the right choice for ME. It is in no way a comment on those who choose to have a transplant. Nor is it in any way a judgement of them. My family knows if I can’t actively agree to dialysis I want it stopped even though it will mean my death. That is in no way a judgement of those who want other options.
While “just shoot me” implies less than thoughtfully made decisions, those who prefer not to live with dementia do not in any way suggest others shouldn’t continue to be treated with dementia.
Devaluing you and yours would be saying “no one with dementia of any kind should be given life saving treatment.” I won’t take your wishes personally if you don’t take mine personally (though with all that said I do understand the tendency to do so).
Thank you for your comment, Linda. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with kidney issues. I feel like there’s a difference in refusing some care and actively choosing to die or end someones life. I respect people’s right to refuse certain treatments/medical care that they don’t believe is right for them. But saying things like “Just shoot me” or “I won’t live with such and such” even though if it runs it’s course naturally it could last years or a decade, implies actively ending that life, which I do think is wrong.
I believe God gives us life and our days, and it is not anyone’s right to prematurely end a life or devalue it. On the other hand, I don’t think we have to put anyone through painful procedures or extraordinary steps to prolong their days either.
May God give you grace for your journey. ~Cheryl
I don’t think people who make these comments are saying people with alzeimer’s is not important. The people making these comments are afraid to live that way themselves.
Thank you, Tina. You are probably right. But I was just writing about how their words honestly caused me to feel. Thank you for sharing your perspective though. It’s good to consider all sides.
I agree. They were speaking about themselves, not you or your mother. I can respect their opinions as well. Not so sure I’d want to live that way myself, while watching my dad and family go thro it.
Thank you Tina . I took Care of my beautiful Mother who suffered with Alzheimer’s . It got where my dad made me put her in a nursing home. I watched my beautiful Mother defert back to a child. I would not wish that on anyone. I cried everytime I looked in her eyes. Wondering what she wanted to say to me. I joked with her and talked to her , and treated her as if she didn’t have this horrible disease. Watching how they are treated. Some didn’t have family ever come to see them. My own family wouldn’t go. They kept asking what could I possibly say to her when she can’t talk. I have one son and two granddaughters . One comes to visit and we do things together. My son is too busy. I am healthy now. I’m 70 years old, look like I’m in my 50’s and have to do everything myself in my home. I don’t want to live in a Nursing home where they set me in a corner, don’t change my depends until I die. I will not be a durden to anyone. And I will not live with this alone. I’m lonely now and I’m healthy. My family doesn’t come visit me now . I won’t live like that. My mother tried to hang herself.at one time. My family won’t even miss me. Yes ,I would want to kill myself. And I also told my son to shoot me.
Sending a gigantic hug your way, Jan! I will pray for you by name –
Jan, it sounds like you were a wonderful example to your own family as you loved and cared for and visited your beautiful mother. Would you truly have felt better about it if she had killed herself? I just wonder what kind of guilt and grief that leaves the surviving family with. I think life is sovereign and God decides our days, and when they should be ended.
It was very challenging to help care for my mom for over eight years. But we made so many special memories, too. And God grew our whole family (well, the ones that chose to be there) through the process. My Mama passed away this past December in her own bed, my daughter and I by her side. A week before she passed she said, “God is here. He is bigger.” And that became my mantra.
When she did pass she had a gentle smile on her face and a look of incredible peace. When her mind was strong she trusted in Jesus, and I believe that she is in paradise with Him now, and that is a great comfort to me.
I don’t regret the hours and years I invested in caring for my mama. I only regret the ones I didn’t. And if she had ended her own life, I can’t imagine how long it would take us all to heal over the grief of that. I pray that you never get Alz or any other devastating disease. I pray that your family, friends and church will express their care for you.
Here’s a link to read and think about…
http://www.epm.org/resources/2010/Feb/4/would-christian-be-turned-away-heaven-because-sin-/
I pray that God will give you grace for your journey, Jan.
~Cheryl
Jan, I read your words and they touched my heart. Sounds like you have a lot to give. Keep reaching out! 💗💗
My mom had Alzheimer’s as well as her mom and 2 of her 3 brothers and a son. My chances are great of developing it. It is what it is.
Jan (I hope you don’t mind me addressing you by your first name), I understand. And I’m sorry!! I have a daughter and a son and 2 granddaughters and they could care less about me. My husband died 4+ years ago from Scleroderma and Metastasized Liver Cancer caused by the Scleroderma and a kidney transplant that failed and the meds he had to take because of the transplant. I watched my mom die from Kidney failure and Sepsis. My husband died from the above and not being able to have dialysis. Would I rather be dead than suffer like they did?? YES!! Would my children/granddaughters care? Nope. God put me here for a reason and he will take me when He is ready. I just humbly ask that He has mercy and lets me go before I am enveloped in Alzheimer’s too deeply. Yeah, shoot me. I live my life to the fullest to the best if my ability. But no, live with Alzheimer’s. Yes, I would rather be dead.
I agree with you, there is a huge fear factor that remains with caretakers.
My heart ached for such pain you suffered but with tears in my eyes I feel that my children might have to experience your pain as I’m in my 70’s and beginning to worry about my memory. Thank you for the message of love, joy and God’s word to guide us.
Thank you, Jean. May God give you healing and peace and grace for each day. ~Cheryl
I am in the early stages of dementia, and at the time of my diagnosis, I had two separate griefs: the loss of a friend who has sustained me throughout my life: 1. my good, strong brain; (2) and worry and grief for my two remaining children (my youngest son died two years ago) who will be losing the only parent they have had since their father disappeared (deliberately) from their lives some forty years ago. I have begun to write letters to them and my two god daughters to be read at intervals throughout my remaining life and at my death. Their grief/worry for me is already present, and their concern was so heavy that I finally told them to stop worrying about me, that I have the easy part: all I have to do is die. After a shocked few seconds, we all burst out laughing. When I become panicky, I hear the still, small voice that has sustained me my entire life whispering to me, “I love the ones you love more than you do, and you can safely trust them to me.” Thank you for letting me share this. I hope it will bring comfort to others as writing it has for me.
I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis, Sara. But I love that you can still laugh and hear God’s soft, still voice. And I LOVE that you’re writing letters to your loved ones. What treasures they will be! Your message to us is beautiful and very much appreciated. May God continue to give you grace and guidance on your journey. Blessings~Cheryl
I am sorry for what you are going through. Your words touched me deeply. I have gone through this with a grandfather, grandmother and now my father and for whatever reason your words are a comfort. I think things come to us when we need them and I needed these today. Thank you and bless you and yours.
My husband has dementia and I have been taking care of him with the help of my caregivers. I have been reading up on some natural healing cures for dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease. They may help you too.
This was so beautiful. I’ve been there with my mom &hope I have handled the situation faithfully & gracefully. Wonderful article.
Thank you, Eleanor! I’m sure you were a blessing to your mom!
Love this article.my mother had alzheimers for about 5 years but stayed in the mid moderate range diagnosis. I cared for her and my dad in their own home. My dad suffered from leukemia the last year of his life and passed away at 94. There were had times, buse times, sweet times, funny times, quiet times, talkative times. I cherish all those moments with my mom. I kept daily log books on her care and life. One of these days I would like to write a book regarding my mom, a very sweet precious woman who loved Jesus with all her heart till her last breath.
Phyllis, God bless you for the loving care you gave your parents! I love that your mom loved Jesus so faithfully until her last breath! I bet a book about her would be a blessing!
Oh to be a vessel for Him on His terms is miraculous!debbie
Debbie, I love the way you described that! Thank you! ~Cheryl
What a beautiful message. I might go one step forward and make my own plans for the future so my kids have a few less things to do.
Thank you, Patti. Good idea!
Well, you have taught me something! Unfortunately, my husband has had it for 12 years now. I cared for him doing every single thing until two years ago when he became mean and aggressive to me. Now that he is in a Veteran’s Home, he is pleasant and happy again. He still recognizes me, although he does not know my name or that I am his wife. He recognizes me. When I go, I feed him, and play my guitar for him. Sometimes I take the dog who he is happy to see. Murphy gets in his lap and kisses him and he says, “My dog!” He talks a little when I have Murphy along. I have thought and prayed that he would pass on in his sleep. It is a miserable existence for everyone who has AD. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. All these once dignified gentlemen are now reduced to just about nothing. Some are still walking. Most are in wheelchairs. Many cannot feed themselves and have to be fed. Most cannot talk. That is the worst part. My husband has not talked for about 5 years. He says a few random words. Which is better , I guess, than babbling constantly without ever stopping. Bill was a true believer and I long for him to be in heaven with Jesus and with his mind and body restored to normal. I know that is where he is going and I guess that is why I long for it. I do treasure the moments we have left and try to get to the home frequently. Most of the men rarely have a visitor. They are left alone to fend for themselves. I am glad that I can get there to visit and make sure that he is properly cared for and to see his smiling face. He has retained his humor and tries to make me laugh which is just wonderful. Most of the men do not laugh like him! I am blessed to see him happy.. Thank you for your article. It was inspiring.
Thank you, Nancy! You are inspiring, too! I know it’s a tough road. It sounds like you are managing it wisely. My Mama went home to Jesus this past December. I miss her everyday. But I remind myself of the amazing peace on her face after she passed and that she is in paradise with Jesus now. And I treasure all the memories we made together while she was still with us. May God continue to give you grace for your journey. ~Cheryl
I’d ask you to remember who I was… not who I’m becoming and will eventually be….Alzheimer’s is cruel because it steals the person, and leaves behind a hollow shell….
It is cruel. But I truly loved the person my mom was with Alzheimer’s and the person she was before it. She continued to teach me and bless me until the day she passed. Though her speech dwindled away to few words, she still said a week before she passed, “God is here. He is bigger.” That became a mantra and truth that continues to help me as I miss Mama.
Very well said! I helped care for my beloved Grandma Rosa before she became violent and was placed in a Nursing Facility with my Grandfather. I was there everyday to see them both. Many of my aunt’s, uncle’s and cousin’s didn’t do the Same. It was their loss because I heard the stories my Grandfather told of their Wedding day, the days each of their 11 children were born. And the day’s they buried 3 of those children…..
God bless you, Connie, for honoring your grandparents so beautifully! Caregivers and people who show up when things are tough, get blessings that others don’t realize. ~Cheryl
I cannot tell you how much I learned from my 98 year old sister before she passed away. So much wisdom,…a life so very well lived, that I had been unaware of. Rest in peace now Sister,…you have earned it.
I’m sorry for your loss, Anna. It sounds like your sister was a blessing to you and that you were there for her. God bless! ~Cheryl
My mom had Alzheimer’s for eight years before her death at age 91. The time we spent with her was a gift, although at times, we weren’t sure we could do it. In the last few weeks of her life, she repeated “Let it be” a lot. I think she was telling us not to worry anymore – ahe was prepared. We heard Paul McCartney singing “Let It Be” and found out that he had written it for his mother, Mary (that was my mom’s name too), after she passed away at age 14. Although not traditional Christian music, we were allowed to play it through the sound system at church at her memorial service. Everyone was so moved emotionally – it was as though Mom was speaking to us. Now when we are worrying over something we can’t control (like her illness) we remember “Let It Be”.
PAUL was 14 when his “mum” died – SHE wasn’t fourteen! Sorry!
Beautiful! My mother said that once, too! But I think just once. It did comfort me though. A week before my mother passed, after she had a bad night when we thought we were losing her, she said, “God is here. He is bigger.” That has become a mantra for me. Thanks for sharing your story! ~Cheryl
Here’s a link to the post I wrote about my mom saying Let it Be. I thought it might be meaningful to you… 🙂
https://chermor2.wordpress.com/2014/04/27/lessons-of-let-it-be/
I am so glad you wrote this. It’s exactly why I love working with elders with dementia as a chaplain (and I’m working on a similar blog myself :)). I have seen God do amazing things with these beautiful people, communicating to them in ways we cannot see or understand — and blessing me abundantly in the process. I recently made a website to give other people resources for serving their loved ones with spiritual care, especially through the hard journey of Alzheimers (www.spiritualeldercare.com). Bless you for these thoughts!
Bless you for your ministry, Elisa!
I will be going to the mentioned site, I am 80, my husband of 63 yrs, has AD, and we sure need guidance.
I’m so sorry, Judy. Yes, it’s good to get guidance. My mom’s neurologist told me to call the Alzheimer’s Association. They sent a free book that gave me the basics of what to expect and do. They are also a resource to call 24/7 if you just need to talk to someone, and can point you to resources in your area. I’ve also appreciated the information and encouragement I’ve received at http://www.thepurplesherpa.org/. I hope you check that out, too! I also write a blog and Facebook page focusing more on the emotional and spiritual issues of being a caregiver, at https://chermor2.wordpress.com/
I haven’t had a chance to check out Elisa’s blog yet, but I plan to. It’s good to get as much information, support, and help as you can. My dad was the primary caregiver for my mom, even though he was blind, until he was 83. I took care of her baths and medicine and medical care, but Dad took care of most of her daily needs for years. The last few years we got him more help. The last year, when Mom couldn’t walk well, it was just too much for him, and my daughter and I and paid caregivers, plus eventually hospice took over. But while he took care of her for years, he said it was a labor of love. I hope you have children or friends close by who can give you some help. It’s a hard job, but God gives grace and sweet moments too. May He bless you! ~Cheryl
This is such a beautiful testimony to those facing this illness and their loved ones. .
God Bless You. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for encouraging me, Janie!
My sister and I lost iur mom to thus cryel disease 10 years ago. I learned so much during that time about laughing gently to her stories and holding her hand til she fell asleep.God used this time to bring my sister and me closer together.
May God continue to bless and comfort you, Peggy. ~Cheryl
I cared for my mother in our home with Alzheimer’s. She had her sense of humor and loved singing her hymns. It was difficult to be up nights with her and when she stopped wanting to eat we knew she was nearing the end. I felt privileged to care for her and though we brought hospice in to our home toward the end, I will always be thankful for the opportunity to love her.
I know what you mean, Julie. It’s difficult but a privilege. And we are blessed to have been there with our mothers. May God continue to bless you! ~Cheryl
My Dad went from living independently to not knowing who we were after a severe UTI….they said he probably had small signs of Dementia but to me, it seemed to hit literally overnight. He lived in a wonderful nursing home for 3 years. It was so very hard to see him like that. I tell people I lost my Daddy 3 years ago, but my father passed away last year. While it was hard for us, Dad had a great time. In his mind, he worked every day and saw people that had died years ago, including my Mom! Dementia is a mean and horrible disease for the family…..but I learned a lot from him those last 3 years….
What a blessing that your dad was having a great time! I understand how hard it is on the family though. I too am amazed at all that God taught me through this time with my mom. ~Cheryl
Thank I sm going through the early stages with my father and his dementia. This has brought me some peace
I’m so sorry, Athena. It’s hard to see our loved ones changing. I’m thankful to hear this post has given you some peace. May God continue to give you grace for the journey. ~Cheryl
Beautifully said! My mom has dementia and it is a very difficult journey. I also worry about getting it and hope I am treated with respect and dignity.
Thank you, Calla! I know it’s so hard to see our loved ones changing. I too hope anyone with dementia will be treated with respect and dignity and love. ~Cheryl
I cried reading this because I was my mother’s caregiver. It was the greatest privilege of my life. The entire family helped and we now go back and are so grateful for the lessons we learned… Just like the words you said so eloquently!! I’m guilty of saying, “Just shot me” but after reading this I will never again utter those words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, even if they’re are too many comments for you to ever get to mine, I will know and remember your words of wisdom.
Thank you Jane for your encouraging comments! I’m so grateful to hear this post was meaningful to you! May God bless you and your family! ~Cheryl
Reading this brought a flood of tears and memories. My mom also passed from Alzheimer’s in April 2010. I am one of 5 children ranging from ages 67 to 51. She was 90 and live alone since my dad’s passing in 1983. We children decided to make a schedule and take turns staying with her around the clock along with a hired agency’s help to keep her in her home, best decision EVER. Don’t get me wrong it was hard and there were plenty of conflicts. However, so many precious moments were made with her and our families because we were forced to be there. Now I look back and I am so thankful for the time spent just setting with her singing and watching tv, doing PT ,OT,cleaning , feeding and putting her to bed. My husband would go through old pics and letters and read them to her,he enjoyed the history part.My youngest daughter taught me and my siblings to accept my mom for her as she was now not the mother we knew from the past.And yes she was still teaching us children to get along with each other and share responsibility,our most important one of all. Taking care and loving the person that took care and loved us so well for so little ng.
I think it’s wonderful, Wanda, that your family made a schedule and everyone pitched in to keep your mom at home! We were able to keep my mama at home too, until she passed December of 2016. I’m so grateful we were able to do so, too, even though it was challenging and not everyone could help. It sounds like you have an amazing family! May God bless you!
Oops *Taking care and loving the person that took care and loved us so well for so LONG.
Yea. Be nice to your brother.
Amen!
I just saw this on a Facebook post. This is very sweet and loving. I apply it to a situation involving loving those also with other diseases that impact behaviors, family life, etc This made my day and caused me to pause and reflect.
I’m so grateful to hear it is meaningful to you, Kathy. Thank you! ~Cheryl
All of this is so true, my mom just passed 3 weeks ago. She said all the same things prior to the disease. P. S. She loved chocolate too!! Thank you for sharing your story, may God bless you💗
So sorry for your loss, Mary Ann. May God comfort and bless you as well! ~Cheryl
Sorry, I totally disagree with this woman’s perspective. My sister, brothers and I have cared well for our mother. Her dx Frontal temporal dementia. My mother hopes to go to heaven soon. I have told her I will miss her but will be so happy for her when she goes. Life sucks, life is not fair, life is hard. Then we get the honor and privilege of meeting our Creator and Savior. Yea, yea, yea…his plan!? Are you kidding me. I bet you live on hope too. Hope is evil itself. Don’t get lost in it. Suffer through everyday until you make it to the end of your life. That is how I live my life everyday and I am happier for it. I don’t hope for anything good. I don’t expect anything good. That is not what this life is about. We screwed that up with our sinful nature.
Patricia, I’m so sorry for all your family is going through. My mother just passed in December. My family and I and some caregivers took care of her in her own home for more than eight years, until she passed away in her own bed. I miss her everyday, but I’m thankful to know she is with Jesus and in paradise. And I still stand by everything I wrote in this post.
I do believe God has a plan for everyone’s life, even those who are dealing with dementia or any other disease. Hope is not evil and I feel very sorry for you if you truly believe that.
“Three things will last forever–faith, hope, and love–and the greatest of these is love.”
I Corinthians 13:13 (NLT)
~Cheryl
from a sister in Christ who shared in this type of experience…Amen! Thank you for this post full of love and grace.
Judy D
Thank you, Judith.
Your words were of judgement of how others walk through caring for someone with AD. Hope on Earth is evil. Do you listen to Joel Osteen? There is something about your posts that remind me of him.
Patricia, I’m sorry something I wrote made you feel judged. I have great respect for all who care for loved ones with dementia. It is a challenging and heartbreaking journey. I’m thankful for the grace and strength God gives, or I wouldn’t have made it through the years with my mom.
No, I don’t listen to Joel Osteen. I do study my Bible a lot and try to base what I write on the truth I learn there.
I understand what you are talking about but when Alzheimer’s does set in and you are unable to get help or put her in a home please consider the following.
My husband and I took care for of his mother for five years five years and the pain she went through was so overwhelming. It started with dementia and turned into alzheimer’s very quickly. She was still fun to be with and we talk to. I bought her a book to record as much as she could remember before it was too late and that came on far to soon. She would ask where her husband and parents were and when was told they had passed on and told her she would see them, when she wa ready she cried for about four days. Then she would ask where they were again. Her doctors told us to take a different approach and lie to her. The laying helped her a lot but we felt awful about it. Her mind slipped very quickly and for her last three years of her life was very stressful for all of us. My brother in law tried to give us one evening a week to go out, which was very difficult because he worked out of town and he would have to leave for work by 4:00am just to get back on time. There were several weeks that we could not be alone because of his work and that became almost unbearable for us. I was in a very bad auto accident and had to stay in bed for about three years and had six surgers. My poor husband must have a gone nuts during those three years, I know I was almost there too.
She kept losing her life until she passed away. It really hurt our marriage but we always bounced back. However, she could not sleep at night, eat her meals by herself, shower (in fact it took two people to do that because she would fight and she was still very strong, she she tried to bite us) then my husband had to clean her up in the morning and two or three times a day. We put her on the potty during the day but that didn’t always work even when we changed times and amount of times. Her whole family prayed a lot for her. The day she passed there were three of us in her room. She told all of us to leave because she had to leave. I checked on her about ten minutes latter and she had passed with a big smile on her face. We were very glad she passed and did not have to suffer any longer.
Both of my parents are in homes now and our family has split up over it. Since I live a mile away I checked on my dad as he had already put my mother in a home. My oldest brother and youngest sister are the executors of there estate and have gone way over board. At one point he accused my other sister and I of steeling many things from the house and said we were layers when we told him we did not take anything. I had told told my brother that things were disappearing but he did not believe me. I told him to call dad and a few weeks later and was told that dad was hiding stuff because he missed my mom and wanted to keep her with him. He had hiden those things so no one would see them. My brother was told we did not take anything. I am telling you this because alzheimer’s was stealing he away from us too. He was put in a home next door to my mom. I was told I was not to see her again, I went to vist anyway. Since I talked to mom very openly my dad and brother told the home not to allow either of us see her. We talked to the manager an she allowed us to vist anytime we wanted to. The last time I saw her she asked us to let her die because she could not stand being on earth anymore. My dad said he would not let her go no matter what. She is still living because she doesn’t want to hurt him. That is no life for anyone. I am telling you this so you might understand how hard it gets for her to constantly asked to let her die. She cries every time I am there because my dad wii not let her go, that would be hard on her. He is being selfish on his part but I understand how much they love each other. They always i’d most everything together.
I hope I have not hurt you or anyone else but sometimes your parents want to go and I do not think It is not immoral to pray they will stop suffering and be taken from this world.
I love my mother and now I they will not let me see her. You do not know how those things hurt me. I have also been told I would not be allowed to attended either of their funerals. My mom said “Screw them because they are crazy anyway.” she also told me not to go because they will be dead anyway and she knows I love her.
When it becomes your mothers time please pray she will pass quickly. Maybe she will have a big smile on her face too.
CJ, it sounds like you’ve had a very challenging time. I’m so sorry. My mother did pass away in December with a gentle smile on her face and a look of incredible peace. We cared for her for years in her home until that day, and much of it was very challenging, but God gave us grace and taught us through it all. I don’t think it’s immoral to pray for God to take someone Home, as long as we trust His timing and do nothing to hurry death.
We now have my 94 year old mother-in-law, who has Alzheimer’s, living with us. She rarely knows us anymore and sometimes says that she’s lived too long and wants to die. We tell her we love her and that we’d missed her and that God still has her here, so He still has a purpose for her life. Maybe that purpose is teaching us to love more. I don’t know, but I do know God is sovereign and I will trust Him to give us grace and strength and wisdom for each day.
I pray He gives you grace for your journey as well. ~Cheryl
Lovely thoughts but the author skipped the part of the disease process when the Alz patient is combative and aggressive to the point of needing psych drugs to keep him subdued for his own safety and for safety of others. There are phases of the disease where it is difficult to think that God has a purpose and plan for the Alz victim and family. And most don’t realize that Alz can span 20 years from diagnosis to death for some.
I hadn’t yet experienced the aggressiveness that some Alz patients get, when I wrote this post. But we did live through Mom biting, hitting, swearing and yelling a lot. She would yell, “I hate you!” and then later say, “I love you.” But I knew the mean stuff was not who my Mama really was. She was such a kind, loving person and I still saw that in her too. I continued to learn and grow as I helped care for in her own home for over eight years.
Mom passed away in December of 2016. I miss her every day. And though it was a very challenging time, and I shed many tears throughout the years of caring for Mom, I also had many sweet moments and tender times. And I still believe everything I wrote in this post. ~Cheryl
What a beautiful article. My mom had Alzheimer’s and I was scared of it so avoided reading articles on it. I didn’t want to know how it was going to progress. I wish I had learned more about it now. I am very thankful she was able to be cared for at home until the end and at times we could still see a glimpse of her personality before the illness. God was with us every day. It hurt though when she would say ” why can’t I just be home with Jesus” as she knew something was wrong with her brain until about the last year of her life. She really didn’t want to continue living as she knew our Savior and yearned to be with Him. I am so thankful for my faith as I don’t know how I could have dealt with it otherwise.
Lori, I understand. I’m thankful my mom was able to be cared for at home as well. My 94 year old mother-in-law lives with us now. She has dementia also and does sometimes say things like, “I should just die.” My Dad sometimes says that also, because he’s looking forward to heaven. I tell them both, “Jesus still has plans for you here. He knows when it times for you to go Home.”
I’m so grateful for my faith as well. I don’t know how people get through this without Jesus.
~Cheryl
I think the same thing too. I watched a very selfish grandfather, unselfishly serve my grandmother for 14 years. He took to get her hair done, bought her clothes & jewelry, take her out to dinner, blend and serve her food, change her diaper and love her.
My dad was so devoted to my mother as well. It amazed me, though I know sometimes it was very challenging. But he’d say, “She took care of me for so many years, now it’s my turn to take care of her. It’s a labor of love.”
Thank you for not only describing and valuing my own experience in helping my mother care for my father, but also for giving me words I will very possibly need to say to my own children someday. Caring for Daddy (and later my Mother who had cancer), was just as you have said. It was a joy and privilege to give, in some small measure, something back to them; but is was also extraordinarily painful to have a front row seat to their decline. At the same time, God was good and faithful, and my sisters and I saw his goodness and care at every turn – even in saying good-bye to them.
I have often said that I am swimming in a very shallow gene pool where memory is concerned. I am not paralyzed by the fear, but it is there, lurking in the background. You have helped to assuage that fear. Again, thank you.
Thank you, Amy! I’m grateful to hear this post has been meaningful to you. May God continue to give you grace for your journey. ~Cheryl
This was a salve to my soul as 1 whose husband has advanced dementia…he s not sure who family members are…needs prompting to complete simple ta@ks and has a frightening anger…but also moments of clarity when tears rush from his tired eyes and he apologises for not being “right” and begs to be consoled, forgiven and hugged…my heart breaks every day thinking of plans we made and seeing how reality has dealt us such a viscious blow..
Yet i have faith that God has a plan, that there is purpose for us both…and He loves us
I’m sorry for all you’re going through, Charlie, but thankful to hear this post was a comfort to you. May God continue to give you grace for your journey. ~Cheryl
A dear friend shared this with me. She said it reminded her of me, as I took care of my beloved mother for 12 years and 2 months until this dreadful disease took her from me at the age of 92, just 3 months ago. My mother was and always had been my best friend. Even though her memory faded away, she remained the sweet and loving woman she always had been, as well as otherwise very healthy. I am so thankful for that. I had promised my parents when I was little that they would live with me until the Good Lord called them home. I am thankful that I was blessed by God with a profession that allowed me to work from my home for the past 22 years. This allowed me to raise my 5 children as mostly a single parent and it was my honor to care for momma and daddy. My daddy passed 2 years before mom with renal cancer, and I am thankful that his last years were peaceful and here at home with me. And, I am also thankful, as strange as it may sound, that mom’s Alzheimer’s kept her from knowing that daddy had passed. I had seen her unbearable grief in the loss of my grandparents and my oldest brother, and I was glad that she was unaware of everything including daddy’s illness and death, as well as my 2nd oldest son being murdered almost 2 years ago. Today is my first birthday without my momma and it will be a bittersweet day for me. Through the years of caring for momma, my husband left and my personal income dwindled down to one-third of what I had originally made due to the increasing need of one-on-one care for daddy and momma……but I regret not one single day of those 12 years despite the personal outcome!!!! I know that my daddy and momma were lovingly cared for as they had lovingly cared for and raised me for 19 years until I left home. If given the chance, I would do it all over again just to be with them again. But I will be with them again, one day, and what a glorious reunion that will be! God’s blessings be with you and yours. ❤
Wow, Rita! Your story leaves me in awe and teary eyed. God bless you for all you’ve done! I pray God will give you special blessings today for your birthday! ~Cheryl
My Mother passed a year ago. She had dementia, and was never diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, but so similar in many ways. I lived away during her last years, but always managed to fly back often over her last four years in the nursing home. Every so often she would have these wonderful moments of pure clarity. On my last day with her, she had been in such a bad state for a month, and we all knew she did not have much time left. I don’t know how to describe it but she “woke up” and we had such a wonderful 4 hours with her, she knew us, was able to respond and she was able to hear me say “I love you” and she was able to actually say “I love you” and goodbye, then she went back to “sleep” and did not wake up. I was so lucky to experience those last hours, and I cherish them.
What a precious gift those last hours were, Kathy! What a blessing to have them!! ~Cheryl
I could not have written this better myself. Walking down this road with my mom I realized her value not only in the times of life where we walked together as mom and daughter, but also when she looked to me to take care of her. She remained an integral and vital part of my family throughout the eight years that she dealt with vascular dementia. When the dementia took its toll in the end on her body and systems it progressed quickly and she died within a few months. Its right at 2 months now since she left and I treasure every memory…even the ones you wouldn’t expect. I miss my mom and would offer to anyone dealing with this diagnosis to 1. Live in the moment 2. Laugh every day 3. Love beyond words!
Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts, Karen. I’m so sorry for your loss. I treasure the memories now, too, since my mama passed about seven months ago. May God give you grace for each day, and thanks for the advice! Love it! ~Cheryl
Many people will not understand if they haven’t take care of someone who has dementia. My 94 year old mother has been with me for nine years, but has only experienced serious confusion in the past year. It can be very disconcerting to have to interact with someone who is unable to reason, someone who has lost their sense of time or someone who wants your physical presence at all times. If I walk out of the room she will be calling me to see where I am. If I want to get away for a few minutes it is almost impossible unless she falls asleep. Thankfully I now have some caretakers that come into my home to give me a break. I am an R.N. and a daughter. Sometimes I change roles several times per day. I pray for patience and compassion every day and honestly I lose patience at times, when the stress goes up. I know there is a reason for this journey we are on. I retired from my job, but never really have gotten to retire, so I am getting tired. It is difficult to feel isolated but I know one day when she is gone I will have to redefine myself and see what to do with the rest of my days. It becomes a crazy mixture of knowing I will miss her terribly and being relieved at the same time. Does that even make sense to others?
Thanks for sharing your story, Patty. You make total sense to me! My mother passed about half a year ago, and I was active in her caregiving and miss her so much. Now my mother-in-law lives with us. She’s 94 and has Alzheimer’s. When she first moved in a couple years ago, she was still doing well enough that we could leave her alone for several hours at a time. Now we need to arrange someone to be with her whenever we are gone. It’s a challenging time of life. But I also know we will miss her when things change. I’m so glad to hear you have some caretakers coming in and giving you a break. That is so important. May God continue to bless you and give you grace for your journey. ~Cheryl
This is so so true. And very much made my eyes tear while reading. Even making it a little difficult to read my comment that I am entering to make sure that old spell check did not change anything I wrote.
I love this story and would like to share on my children’s pages 💖❤💖❤
Thank you, Kathy! I’m thankful to hear it was meaningful to you! Please feel free to share it with your children! (Or anyone else! ) ~Cheryl
My mother is 87 and has dementia and I still worship every second I have with her. Am so blessed for the time. I just remember all the time she had for me and my 5 sisters and 2 brothers And never complained. Would not change a thing. Love her more for the strong woman that she is. Has taught me a lot
May God continue to bless you as you care for your mother! And continue to relish the seconds. I miss my mama now and am grateful for all the memories I made with her.
This a very touching article. I think that this one of the hardest challenges to face. Patience and love is one of the greatest requirements to get through this phase of life and a strong belief in God.
Amen! I don’t know how I would have made it through without God and His grace and strength! Thank you, Ardyce!
Beautiful entry. I worked in Continuing Care facilities for 26 of my nursing years. As an RN I can say that there is a special love that comes to help you to take care of denebtia clients if you are willing to receive it. I enjoyed the blunt honesty of a disinhibited client and learned about their past and family to validate them. Just yesterday I was reading through cards of thanks from clients and families given through the years and it warmed my heart. Even though there were daily challenges, I remember feeling like I was being paid to love people.
I love your perspective, Pat! What a gift you were to your clients!! God bless you! ~Cheryl
My prayers are with you. I have been taking care of my dad for the last 5 years. I’ve cried and laughed and I’ve prayed for strength and guidance. My dad is alive and I am so thankful that I get to spend the rest of his life with him until God calls him home. May God bless you and your family
I love your attitude, Missie! May God bless you and your family, too! ~Cheryl
Excellently expressed! So true and valuable information!
Thank you, Mauvey70!
I can relate to this writing and so appreciate how you loved on your mom and took care of her for so long. I can also see a different side. My mom had Alz. and I cared for her for 5 years after my dad passed from cancer. I had to put her in a home (hardest decision) after just six months but I visited her for hours every single day. Not long after my dad passed, while she was still able to communicate, she said to me, “Connie, I don’t know what’s going on…I can’t remember, I’m confused.” I explained to her that she had a sickness. She asked me to take her to the doctor. I told her she’d seen her doctor and there is no cure. She looked at me and said, “I don’t want to live this way.” I know for a fact I would not want to live that way either. I bought her the meds, Aricept and Nomenda. During the 6 months I kept her wth me she stopped eating. So, I took her to the doctor who prescribed Marinol to give her an appetite. My kids were still in high school. They were part of it all. They saw me visit her everyday and went with me many times, even visiting her on their own. She was the best grandma when they were very young and they loved her deeply. They eventually (over a year later) asked me if I could maybe stay home on the weekends, which I did. My mom didn’t know me for the last four years but I still knew her and loved on her. Sometimes I’d just lay next to her and turn on her forties music. My daughter, 16, would come in and play guitar for all the residents. Her grandma didn’t know her any longer. My kids saw me love my mom. My mom was the most selfless person I’ve ever known and would have hated taking my time away from my family but I loved her. I actually did tell my husband to shoot me if I get this terrible disease…in jest, of course. But I do not want it! I don’t want anyone to go through it. I prayed my mom would die in her sleep at the same time I didn’t want to lose her. I think, putting her first is wanting her to get well. Don’t we all want that for our loved ones….to get well again? The only way to get well with Alz is to die. We are Christians and I knew without a doubt if she died she would be talking and laughing and dancing and singing once again. How could I not want that for her? Why would I want her to remain here just so I could learn from her? She already taught me everything. I just wanted her to be at peace. Now my question…..What if I hadn’t given her Aricpet and Nomenda? Maybe her body was shutting down when she lost her appetite (that’s what they do), yet I plied her with Marinol to keep her here longer. Why should we prolong their suffering just so we can enjoy them longer? I missed her terribly when she finally passed. She could no longer eat, walk, see…she was helpless. I hadn’t heard her say my name in years. I’m not saying her life wasn’t worthy. I just would have given anything if she could have skipped that time in her life. I’ve already told my kids to put me in a home but to visit me often. I don’t want them to see me suffer. I hated seeing my mom suffer. I’m very happy I was there for her but I’d much rather not have gone through it, for her sake.
Connie, I appreciate how you loved and cared for your mother, too. I totally agree that heaven is the best place to be. And maybe I was selfish to want my mom with me as long as possible, but I was also trusting God to take her in His perfect timing.
I understand your questions about Aricept and so forth, too. My mom had home hospice care the last nine months of her life. They helped us process what was beneficial to Mom’s comfort, and what was perhaps just putting her through more pain and discomfort and prolonging death. But it’s easy to second guess decisions. I have to remind myself that I, and others, were praying for wisdom.
My mom just passed in December of 2016. The last year of her life she lost her ability to walk and we had to use a lift to get her in and out of her bed. She didn’t know me anymore. (Though she occasionally said my name, which thrilled me.) She talked very little, and eventually became unable to keep food or water down. It was hard. But we did what we could to keep her comfortable at home. A week before she passed she said, “God is here. He is bigger.” That became my mantra.
She passed with a gentle smile on her face, my daughter and I by her side. I understand what you say about wishing your Mom didn’t have to go through it all. I wish the same. I guess death is always hard. And prolonged illness of any kind is always challenging. But I do believe God gives grace and strength as we trust in Him.
I miss my mom every day now. But, as you do for your mom, I take great comfort in the thought that she is well and healthy and with Jesus now. And that I will see her again someday.
God bless ~Cheryl
I understand this persons position and close family relationship. I understand their close family tie. However not everyone enjoys this close relationionship with their loved ones.
I am very greatful for everything God has given me and thankfull for him providing for me and my family. But I will not allow my deteriating mind and body to become a burden on my loved ones. There are few options now for “dieing with dignity” so I have my own plan, no mess, no fuss, just like going to sleep. I love my family and know they love me. There is no reason for prolonging their agony, seeing me deteriate before them daily or weekly.
They have their families, lives to live, things to do and I don’t want them to put their life on hold for me. We have had our times together good, not so good and lots of memories. Everything has an ending.
God bless us and the United States of America.
Charles, your comment makes me so sad. And I can’t even imagine the grief and guilt you would leave your family with if you killed yourself. People say things like this as if they are doing an unselfish thing, and maybe in their minds it is, but in reality I believe it is a very hurtful thing to do.
It was very challenging to help care for my mom for over eight years. But we made so many special memories, too. And God grew our whole family (well, the ones that chose to be there) through the process. My Mama passed away this past December in her own bed, my daughter and I by her side. A week before she passed she said, “God is here. He is bigger.” And that became my mantra.
When she did pass she had a gentle smile on her face and a look of incredible peace. When her mind was strong she trusted in Jesus, and I believe that she is in paradise with Him now, and that is a great comfort to me.
I don’t regret the hours and years I invested in caring for my mama. I only regret the ones I didn’t. And if she had ended her own life, I can’t imagine how long it would take us all to heal over the grief of that. I pray that you will choose to live and trust God will know when it’s time for you to pass on.
Here’s a link to read and think about…
http://www.epm.org/resources/2010/Feb/4/would-christian-be-turned-away-heaven-because-sin-/
I pray that God will give you grace for your journey.
~Cheryl
My loving mother is 98 and suffering from dementia. Some days are difficult for her and me. She still knows us and our names and I am so grateful for each day and our visits. We are truly blessed to have been given such a loving mother.
What a blessing that she still knows you, Val! I was always thrilled if my mom ever said my name the last few years. I think I was familiar to her, but she didn’t know I was her daughter. May God continue to give you grace and strength.