Posted by I was skimming some other dementia blogs lately and a reader had written in saying, that though she felt guilty about it, she wished her mother would die in her sleep and not have to continue living through the pain and indignity of dementia. I’ve heard others say things like, “I’ve told my kids if I ever get Alzheimer’s just shoot me.”
I understand where these comments are coming from, but they make my heart heavy. I feel like these attitudes devalue my Mom’s life right now. Even though they are not specifically referencing her, they are in effect saying that people like her are better off dead. It is hard to see Mom changing and confused and upset. But she still has sweet times of love and joy, too. And God still has a purpose for her life.
He is growing our patience as we care for her. He is developing our tenderness and mercy. God is giving us opportunities to show love to a dear mom who loved us all so well when she was able and strong. He’s sending us smiles and laughter with Mom’s quirky ways and funny words. He’s challenging us to love faithfully when she is angry and difficult.
People with dementia are still people. And God still has a plan for their lives. Even when they are bedridden and can do nothing at all, maybe their very life keeps us clinging to God more. Maybe their very existence draws us closer to God as we seek Him and cry out to Him.
I fear having AD someday myself. (My mind already concerns me too often.) But if that day comes I’m not going to tell my kids, even jokingly, to just shoot me. What I would say to them is this…. Pray and trust God to guide you. Get as much help as you can. I don’t want you to sacrifice your life plans or family for my sake, but I want to always be part of your life.
If you need to find a nursing home for me, I understand. Pray about it and seek wisely. And then visit me often. Even if I don’t seem to know you, believe in your heart that part of me does. Hold my hand and talk to me. Tell me all about your life. Sing to me and read the Bible to me, please. Brush my hair and tell me memories of your childhood.
If I’m still able to chew be sure to bring chocolate. (You know your mom.) And hopefully I’ll have some adorable grandchildren to marvel over.
And don’t forget to take some time to just sit quietly next to me. Hold my wrinkled hand and let God whisper to your soul. I’m so sorry you have to go through this painful journey with me, but God will give you strength and grow you through it all. Hold fast unto Him. Sink deep into His love.
Everything will be better in heaven. Meanwhile, when I can’t talk anymore; just know that I love you forever and that being a mom to you was an honor and the delight of my life.
That’s what I’d say to my children. Oh, and I might throw in a “Be nice to your brother” for old-time’s sake.
God's Grace and Life's Challenges 
Lovely……..
Thank you, Sharon!
My mom passed away last week, after struggling with Dementia for 8 years. Until the final week of her life, she never lost her smile. My mom, during her “sun downing” , would sing old hymns in perfect pitch and every single word. The nurses would stand around her room to listen and sing along! When she stopped singing, a month ago, we knew her time with us was coming to a close. But she ministered to folks even with her Dementia.
Oh I love that she never lost her smile and could still sing hymns! How beautiful, Terri! My mom has lost her smile and her hymns, and is often angry and agitated now days, but we still have sweet moments, too. Thank you for sharing the story of your lovely mom. I’m sorry for your loss, but thankful you have such precious memories. May God bless and comfort you.
That is such a beautiful story, it brought tears to my eyes. My dad died of Alzheimer’s and he never lost his smile throughout.
I am dealing with this now and reading this posts is giving me strength on how to be the best daughter to my Mom.
Blessings to you and your family. Your Mom sounded like a wonderful woman.
My mother had dementia also and we knew there was a better home for her where she can plant her flowers, and run without a walker and be with her sisters and mother. Yes, I said just shoot me, I saw the boredom and pain and flusteration on her face when she didn’t recognize me. I miss her so bad but cheered when she left to her heavenly home. I also know that I will see her again and can’t wait for our reunion.
I agree without a doubt, Jeannie, that there is a better home for my mother, too. And I will rejoice for her, through my own tears and heartache, when God calls her to heaven. But as long as He allows her to linger I will cherish our time, and lean into God, and do what I can to bring Mama moments of joy. And I will trust Him to call her home in His perfect timing…which is why I won’t say just shoot me.
That was so Beautiful. So sorry for your loss.
There’s oh so much to say about AD…I’ll just say “Thank you Jesus for every moment I was able to share with my sweet daddy.”…kimley
Kimley– Amen! And may Jesus bless you! ~Cheryl
This is beautiful! I lost my dear Mama 14 months and 4 days ago to this horrid disease. Thank you for sharing with us!
Thank you, Angela. I’m so sorry for your loss. May God comfort and strengthen you. ~Cheryl
My father has Lewy Body Disease, and it’s the absolute pits. There are days that I wonder if I can “do” this. Thank you for showing the other side – that there are still moments of joy ahead. Blessings to you.
Thank you KPL. May God bless you as you minister to your father.
I needed to read this! This past year we struggled with putting our mom in an Assisted Living Dementia facility, mainly for her safety and all 4 children work. I cry everything i drive home (i live 2 hrs away), & when i look @her pictures, or just when I’m thinking or praying about her. I feel like I should bring her to my house to live the rests of her life, but have to work. I have prayed many times for God to take her to heaven because she looks so helpless, & i feel so helpless. After reading your letter I have Hope, & such different tboughts about the rest of my mom’s Life! Thank u so much.
Julie, my heart goes out to you. I’m blessed if this writing has encouraged you and given you hope– praise the Lord! May He bless and encourage you and may you find moments of joy with your mom.
The past three years have been some of the most difficult I have spent. My mom is diagnosed with dementia. She lives in a secure wing of a nursing home. I feel she is safe there I don’t have to worry she will wander off and get lost, freeze in cold temperatures, or have someone take advantage of her. Many days I have left feeling like part of my heart has been torn out. She seems better lately and I don’t know if it is progression of the disease process or she has resigned herself to the fact this is just the way it is going to be. Your Blog gave me insights that I needed to acclimate myself to in regard to the fact God has a plan for my mom’s life even if it seems she does not have much of a life. Perhaps HIS reason is so I will cling to him more. Thanks so much for your article. I thoroughly needed to read it.
Judy, thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for the pain you’ve been in. I’m thankful to hear what I’ve shared is helpful to you. I pray that you will find grace and strength as you cling to God. I know He is with us and can work good out of even the hardest things as we trust Him with our lives. ~Cheryl
Thanks Judy. I went through my mother in-laws dementia . I had the privilege of spending two days a week with her until her end. I always like what I read on a site at that time. A lady said instead of trying to find the person she knew she went each day with anticipation of the new person she would meet.
I am now going through my wife loosing parts of her mind because of not enough oxygen getting to her brain. I have been blessed to be her caregiver for the last 5 years. I am humbled that she allows me to do this and the opportunities it brings my way.
This article really describes my mom right now…I read the article thru tears…so we’ll said…thanks
Thank you, Anita. May God give you strength and grace on this journey. ~Cheryl
My parents taught me about Jesus.
I am so grateful for their love and devotion to my sisters and me, and all our family.
My father had a rough ending to an otherwise, “Fantastic life.”
First they said it was Organic Brain Syndrome, and then later Alzheimer’s. Whatever the case. “It doesn’t matter”. Daddy is in Heaven , and He loved us unconditionally.
Love like you always have,
Even in the end, my Daddy knew we were there
His Favorite song ,was Jesus Loves Me.
My Parents were the BEST, and truly emulated Jesus. So fortunate, ,
Thank you Jesus
Joy, what a beautiful testimony to your parents. Thank you for sharing!
Beautiful message. Thank you
Thank you, Frances!
Beautiful ^
Thank you, Jeri!
Thank you. I needed to read this today. My mother is going through Alzheimer’s at this time. She is living with me and at times I have to admit I wish this had not fallen on me. It has put stress on my marriage and I am in constant “go” mode taking care of her needs and not my husband’s. I have been praying for God’s grace and healing as well as peace of mind. This is hard but I know God is with me and I’m going through this for a purpose. Your story just reinforced that thought for me.
Terri,I’m praying right now that God will sustain you with grace, healing, and peace. It is hard, I know, but you’re right– God is with you and will give you grace one day, one hour, one minute at a time. And may He bless you richly. ~Cheryl
Thank you so much for this post.,, my sister in law who is like my mother is going thru this now.,, she went to nursing home in jan of this year.,,, sometimes she even can remember my name, and some days she will say i don’t know your name but i know you are mine.,,, god bless her little heart.,, she is a precious soul. her family loves her very much.,,, as the tears flow down my cheeks. i am so blessed to have her in my life.,,
I love that she knows you are hers. So precious! May God bless and comfort you on this journey with your dear sister in law. ~Cheryl
Dear Cheryl. We, as Christans are always looking for “signs”. That God is listening. That He is sending us His grace. I have been living with the Long Goodbye of Alzheimer’s for a short time. My sweet loving Mom has been slipping into this fog since October. I have run the gambit of emotions in the last 3 months. But today I stumbled upon this article. Through tears your loving words touched my heart. Thank you for being God to me. Thank you for giving me my sign.
Wow, Kimberly! I think you’re a messenger from God for me, too! I’m having a tough day with some changes happening with my dear mama. It comforts me that God is using our journey and words to touch and encourage others. Thank you for sharing your beautiful message with me! ~Cheryl
Thanks Suzie ! Tim, Melva & I r going to see our mom soon, so this is very timely & will forward this to them. It really resonated with me & our moms condition.
I would say much the same as the writer. But I hope I would be of good mind enough to never for get to remind my family to make sure you have been born again, so we can meet in Heaven. Be sure. That is the very most important part.
So very true, Sara! That is the very most important thing. I know my children are all born again and following Jesus, so I didn’t include this in my writing. But for anyone who doesn’t have this assurance I absolutely agree. Thank you for pointing it out!
Thanks
Wow, so many experiencing what I find myself living at present. I watched my mother care for my father at home with advanced Alzheimer’s. She lovingly and painfully, at times, took such good care of him. Today, my 90 yr old mom is living with my husband and me. She has 1st and 2nd stages of dementia. She can get up, make her bed, shower and dress on her own. She loves to help out in the kitchen and care for our critters. She loves feeling helpful….something she has always done. I was given a book from her doctor, “Being Mortal”, which has helped me to understand the process. Learning my mothers love languages has also made life easier. I found out that most seniors in this time of life have the same love language…..physical touch and quality time. My husband kisses her on the head each time he comes home. It makes her feel loved and special. She looks forward to it. I’ve had to put on hold my personal space and time, a traveling grandma, to be my moms constant companion. Neither physical touch or quality time are my love languages. With Gods help, I’m learning to be content and to embrace with patience, the beautiful life and stories, stories and more stories of her past even if I’ve heard them many times before. Sometimes I hear an added tidbit I didn’t know before…..love it!
Dar, your mother reminds me very much of my 93 year old mother-in-law who lives with us. She has some dementia and very little short term memory at this point, but can still take care of herself in many ways and likes to be helpful. Your husband so sounds so sweet and so do you. God bless you as you minister to your mom! ~Cheryl
Thank you for sharing this. My mother has dementia associated with Parkinson’s and lives with my children and me. My children are older, 17 and 21, but to see them struggle daily with the mid swings and irritability, the forgetfulness, the loss of control. It is very hard. I try so hard to be what my mother needs but also to be what my children need. As those needs get further apart this journey is getting harder. Your words encouraged me today because I often speak to my children in the what if…
Thank you for sharing your story, Lynn. though my mother doesn’t live with me, I understand the pull between being with your kids and meeting the needs of your mom as I raised six children and many of them were still home when mom was getting worse. Now a couple of them are huge blessings in helping care for my mom. May God bless and encourage you. ~Cheryl
After living thru alzheimers with my mom several years ago i totally agree with all of this. Maybe my children will read this and understand. I don’t want to be a burden, but i still want to be a part of their lives!!!
Yes! Thank you, Tisha!
Throughout the 5 years I was caregiver for my mother, I found that whenever I was angry or frustrated, it was at the disease, never at my sweet mother. She kept her sense of humor, and sweet demeanor for much of the time.
She asked me why I had gotten “stuck” with taking care of her? I told her I was living by her example – in addition to her 7 children, she had cared for her father, then my father’s mother, then my father – now it was her turn to be cared for. She said, “I don’t always know that you are my daughter, but I know that you are the one who takes care of me.”
I often told my brothers and sisters, and my children and husband that she may not know us with her mind, but she knows us in her heart… and we know her.
Thank you, Annie, for your beautiful example to us all and your encouraging words. ~Cheryl
Someone sent this to me and I’m so glad she did! My dear 93-year-old mother is struggling with Vascular Dementia – not Alzheimer’s – but there is so much that is the same. She is alert but gets terribly confused and agitated at times. Her spiritual foundations are strong and she still prays for others and teaches a small Bible Study in her home every week. She doesn’t waver about spiritual truth but reality escapes her many other times. Thank you for your words here. They are a great reminder of what’s important.
~Adrienne~
Wow, I love that she can still teach a Bible study, Adrienne! My 93 mother-in-law lives with us and has dementia issues also. My own mom is just in her eighties, but has advanced Alzheimer’s. It’s hard to see such special women struggling. But I’m so thankful both of have mothers who know the Lord– so we know the end of the story will be wonderful, when they are restored in heaven. May God bless and strengthen you. ~Cheryl
Reblogged this on adaptivelywritten.
Thanks for reblogging! ~Cheryl
I agree totally with this article! I My Mom still recognizes her loved ones but often calls us by the wrong name. She asks about her parents daily! She sometimes thinks of us as children. I play gospel music for her routinely and it seems to calm her. I lay on her bed with her, hug and kiss her. I tell her daily that she is beautiful and compliment her clothes, hair etc. I talk to her about our family and familiar happening. I ask her to say the blessing at meal time. Strangely no matter how confused she is, she prays the same way that she always did. Sometimes we will call my brothers or sister and she will speak to them in the same manner as she did before she developed the dementia. This is a hard strange road for me but ,I love my Mom and thank God for her and the impact she has had on my life! I can’t imagine what she endures. I think it must be like being lost and scared of everyone and everything! I just want to reassure her that I will be there with her. Please pray for a cure for this overwhelming disease! Please maintain personal contact daily! Let’s all band together to demand respect and kindness for all of those trying to deal with this very difficult process .Thank you all for listening and caring!
Charlotte, I love how you’re showing love to your mother! May God bless you both! ~Cheryl
Thank you Mary for sharing this beautiful message for all. I’m so glad I was able to get on Facebook
Thank you Mary and Ann Marie! ~Cheryl
My grandmother had Alzheimer’s Dementia. For 10 years it took its toll on her. All except the last few weeks she lived at home with my grandfather and myself. During the day i worked and my mother would care for her. At night… Nights were the roughest, she would “sun down” and it was a struggle. Some days she was so physically combative it took all our love and strength. I will tell you something though, through that experience God spoke to my heart and revealed that I was made to become a nurse. After my grandmothers passing I sought out going to school, and with no college fund and no medical hx on either side of my family… I struggled… And I made it! I now work in behavioral health as a lvn. I know its my calling and I know my grandmother helped me to know that. It was a struggle yet a blessing!
Thank you sharing your story, Michelle! You are inspiring! I’m so thankful to hear God worked good out of a very difficult situation. May He continue to bless you for the way you cared for your grandmother. ~Cheryl
My goodness, exactly what I would say to my children, their spouses and my grands….Very accurate and so very touching….cried as I read it….My mother-in-law had some progressive dementia issues we think brought on by open heart surgery. It was hard when it truly appeared she did not know you…but she always loved the great grand babies…
Thank you, Val! It’s so sweet that she always loved her great grand babies. My mother always loved babies, but she doesn’t respond even to them anymore. It is tough. But I know she will be restored in heaven and someday she will know her children and their children again! ~Cheryl
Hey Cheryl, Thank you for sharing your experience strength and hope! In just the few of your post that I have read this evening, with “What I’ll say…” being the first, you have touched a part of my heart that has been struggling to understand by mother’s descent into her world of dementia. As the central caregiver for my mother I, like the others that have left comments, find myself feeling guilty, angry, lonely, frustrated, etc. I admit that I have had the “just shoot me” thoughts and I know that my mom said it before we had any inkling that she had the disease. Thanks for sharing your experiences with your mom…it allows others to know we are not alone in the sadness of this disease but to look for the sweet moments also. Thanks for sharing your strength…it allows me to remember that relying on my sweet Lord is the very thing he wants us to do. I have relied on him to make the decisions for my mother’s well being and she is in a wonderful facility that is run by sweet friends that he also put in my life. Thanks for sharing your hope that God is still using our loved ones to grow us, challenge us, and that thru them our love for him grows stronger. These things are often so hard for me to see in the midst of the struggles. I feel like reading your words of what you would say to your children is what my mom would want me to know, Thanks for giving my mom a voice!!!
Hey Lyn! Your comments brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for expressing your thanks so beautifully. I write about my experiences with my mom because I feel compelled to and it helps me process and get a better perspective. I write prayerfully, and it is usually healing and a kind of “therapy” for me. And often as I write I feel like God is teaching me. When others tell me that what I’ve shared helps them too I am doubly blessed! Your message especially touched me and I am grateful. Thank you! ~Cheryl
I lost my mother years ago, but she was still alive. I lost her to God a month ago. I thought I was prepared for her transition, but you never are 😦 My heart is still broken to bits and I feel like I am “walking through peanut butter” trying to cope. She and I were best friends, each others advocates, and I cared for her throughout her journey to the other side. The last couple of years, she did live in a small family home about 15 minutes away, because we weren’t home enough and obviously she couldn’t be alone. Her person there loved her dearly and considered my mom her surrogate mom. She was getting a wonderful morning back massage when without a gasp, her wings took her to heaven.
A blessed transition. I can only pray for as much. This blog is so very comforting. Thank you for it 🙂
I’m so very sorry for your loss, Pamela. It does sound like a very blessed transition though! I’m thankful to hear you find this blog comforting. Many of my readers have already lost their loved ones. I’ve been told reading about my mom brings back sweet memories for them about their own. It blesses me to think it helps. I pray God will heal your broken heart. What a comfort to know we have an eternity in heaven with Jesus and our mothers. Have you ever read the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn? I read it years ago and it gave me a different perspective on what it may be like and has made it even more precious to me. May God bless and keep you. ~Cheryl
Beautiful words!
Thank you, Lisa!
My husband with AD for the past 7 years has been at both ends of the behavior spectrum. He became very aggressive and started hurting people and throwing things. It was then that I knew I had made the right decision about a Memory Care facility. We have since found the right medication regimen, what blessing. He is now much happier and a lot less aggressive tha 5 months ago. All thru this I have tried to be w/him, tho there are times he is better behaved when I don’t see him everyday. When I do visit, if he recognizes me, I get a kiss, a little conversation. Then he wanders about the facility and every once in a while he passes me and says hi and asks when I got there, and off he goes again.
Unfortunately during this time I have had a lot of trouble NOT being mad at God for letting this happen. Your message is making me wonder what God has planned for him and myself. Thank you for making me look at this from a different perspective.
McGee, my mom has been aggressive sometimes, too. It can be so challenging. It’s encouraging to hear that your husband is happier and less aggressive now! Thank you for sharing that this message is giving you a different perspective. I often find prayerfully writing these blog entries helps me get a different perspective, too. I do believe God works good out of even very difficult circumstances. I hope you find peace with Him and that He gives you grace for this journey. ~Cheryl
I wish everyone would read this. Just beautiful and such an inspiring way too see this disease that robs people of their dignity.
Thank you, Pam! ~Cheryl
That is so beautiful , I lost my dad to this heart breaking disease it’s so very hard to watch . He used to be able to speak 7 languages fluently and at the end had a hard time stringing two words together with a needle and thread ! That being said we had wonderful visits some happy some heart wrenching but I wouldn’t trade one moment of our times together he was and still is my heart and strength ! I love you daddy ! Waiting to curl up in your lap when I join you in heaven and tell you everything I’ve been doing since you left to be with The Lord ! ….. Reggie
I’m sorry for your loss, Reggie, but thankful you had wonderful visits and such a special relationship with your dad. May God comfort and bless you until you see your daddy again. ~Cheryl
I work in this field and see this but even when they don’t remember deep down inside they do but can’t express it they want what we all want unconditional love always
Thank you, Debbie! I’m thankful someone like you works in this field. God bless you! ~Cheryl
Wise words. I cared for my mother and mother-in-law through dementia, and indeed, God taught me so much. He IS so faithful and compassionate and loving. He inspired ideas of how to cope with new challenges. He gave renewed strength for each day. He provided help (that is absolutely essential). Weariness and lack of rest can dim our perspective and trigger feelings of hopelessness, depression and anger. For those caring for a loved one, I say pray for help and seek it out.
God also helped me understand more completely His love and grace. He never bases His love on our abilities or worthiness. He loves us regardless of whether we can do what we once did or remember what we once knew. He looks on us with tenderness and compassion, knowing and accepting our frailties and limitations. He still sees us through the lens of being made clean and whole and beautiful in Jesus–completely “accepted in the beloved”–even with dementia.
Yes–I still fear losing my mental abilities and what that will cost those I love. But if God allows that, then He will also use it for good in their lives, as He did in mine.
Both our moms are gone now, and I still treasure those days spent with them–even when it was just sitting beside one of them, holding her hand. My mother wept because she couldn’t remember me. But I held her and assured her it was OK, because I remembered her.
And I know God will remember me.
Beautiful, Jean! Thank you! God bless you! ~Cheryl
How very true this is!! It is a terrible ordeal to see your Mother suffer through this disease, BUT, it makes me treasure each and every moment with her. Sometimes I just sit beside her on the bed, hold her hand, put my arm around her and hold her close just to feel our love for each other. I was blessed to have her as my Mother and I pray she feels blessed to have me as her Son. There is one unexpected benefit that comes from this. You begin to also feel a closeness to her roommate too. She has had several, but the one she has now is so precious. I cannot help but to love her also, and I smile when she calls me “one of her boys”!!
Such a sweet comment! She is very blessed to have you as her son! God be with you and bless you! ~Cheryl
Well said! My mom has had Alzheimers for 7 years. Even though her memory is shot, she still finds joy in living in the moment. I have learned so much about trusting in God while gong through this journey with her. I am not a natural born caregiver, but especially the 2 years she lived with us, I learned patience, how to be less selfish and more giving, and to find joy in the simple things. I am glad she lives close by so I can drop in for a visit several times a week. It has been a privilege to care for her and give back to her a little of what she gave me as I was growing up.
Thank you for your beautiful example, Diane. It’s wonderful that your mom still has joy in the moment and that you’ve learned so much caring for her. It is a privilege to give back to our parents.May God continue to bless you as you do sol
I was able to share my mother’s life in her final years. Our roles had been reversed. Now I was caring for her day in and day out. I would have it no other way! I was blessed while I blessed her.
Yes, there are blessings in blessing others. Especially our parents, I think! Thank you for sharing Linda!
I currently work in an assisted living and have worked in a locked AD unit as well. This is by far one the hardest times to watch our residents and the families go through. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for my residents with dementia and AD. I enjoyed what you wrote and I plan on sharing it with some of our families that our struggling.
My Grandfather has dementia and my uncle has alzheimers. It has been heartbreaking being on the flip side as well but I feel the Lord has blessed me with an understanding for this disease.
I have a few things I have learned over the years that may help:
Enjoy every sweet moment and remember when the agitation and anger arise it isn’t who they are it is their mind playing tricks on them and confusing their reality. They honestly don’t mean what they say or do. Don’t let any of the negative words or actions get under your skin. I recently went to visit my grandpa with my grandma and in a moment of extreme confusion I witnessed my grandpa take a swing at my grandma. Luckily he didn’t make contact and I was able to intervene in the situation. After I finished shaking I had to remind myself of this a million times and had to help my grandma understand the amount of confusion he was experiencing.
Be patient with them, even though you have told them time and time again that they don’t have a bus to catch or a car in the parking lot, don’t get frustrated. Just remind yourself that your smile and joy maybe the light in the darkness of that disease that they need.
Lastly, give yourself a break. Taking care of a family member is tough work whether they have dementia or AD or not. It is ok to take a step back every once in a while and just breathe (**as long as they are in as safe place and can’t get hurt). All of you are strong and courageous for taking such great care of your loved ones!
I will pray for your family. Thank you for sharing and opening up a place for people to speak about their experiences with AD. You are a true warrior.
Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom! It’s good to know there are professionals with your understanding working with people who have dementia. God bless you! ~Cheryl
I wish Alzheimer’s was hymns and smiles and quiet dignity for all of its sufferers, but it is not. Nobody knows the depth of another person’s pain and every Alzheimer’s patient is different. I’m a human coping with a situation that passes all human understanding and my failings are not about devaluing anyone else’s life. Nor is it about not understanding or trusting that God has a plan. It’s about witnessing and enduring a magnitude of mental, physical, legal, medical and emotional agony heaped with such unspeakable indignities that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, much less my own children or grandchildren. I don’t doubt God’s plan for my mother or for me and I know He is working through all of us through her suffering, but it is in those brutally honest moments I do cry out to the Lord, “why is she still here?” because I long for her pain to end and I know meeting Jesus Christ face to face is far better than anything this world has to offer. And though I know that fear is not of God, I have had moments of fear for my own children when my crushed soul has said, “just shoot me”. But those are the moments where the Lord wraps His great love around me the tightest and His many mercies are most evident to me. I truly hope that you will have the opportunity to tell your own children if you are ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s but the reality is that you may never even know yourself because you may already be descending into that dark abyss by the time it is diagnosed. If that happens, your words of faith and encouragement written here will be of great comfort to your children. And, if you or I do get Alzheimer’s, I hope that we are all hymns and smiles and quiet dignity. But, if our children have tougher times – really really tough times – and we have tantrums and curse at them, accuse them of vile things, punch, pull their hair, spit on or bite them, walk naked down the middle of the street and then defecate on our neighbor’s front porch,etc., well, our children may find themselves feeling just as weak and discouraged as I often do today. They will have good days and find their strength and confidence in the Lord. But they will also have bad ones where human exhaustion plagues their very core. And it is my prayer that in those bad days, nobody will take offense or shame them when they are feeling broken. I hope they don’t feel like others are questioning their value of human life, their faith and trust in God, or their belief in His great love and plans for them if, one day, we are in such perpetual pain and mental anguish that they find themselves sobbing on the floor and crying out, “oh God, why is she still here?”
Mary, thank you for taking time to share your thoughts and feelings. I too am amazed that some people apparently only experience smiles and hymns and dignity. I wish that were true for my mother. We have had many sweet moments– but my loving , gentle mother now swears and sometimes hits and pushes and bites. She shouts that she hates me often. Our home care giving company (who help two hours a day) warned us that they may have to leave us because mom is so aggressive and uncooperative.
Mom spends literally hours a day shouting, most often the words, “I hate you! I hate you, Mama! Where are you Mama?” I’ve bought my dear dad ear protectors, like they use at the shooting ranges, to protect his ears and give him a break when the sundowning shouting happens. I think I’ve changed more diapers and cleaned up more poo messes than I ever did with my two babies. I share these things in my blog, but I also share the good moments. And I look for the blessings each day. I’m telling you this now, just so you know that I don’t write out of a hymns and smiles experience at this point–though I have had them mixed in with the hard stuff.
Having said all that I don’t live with my mom 24/7 as many, and perhaps you do. And I’m sure that is a whole different and very overwhelming experience. My 93 year old mother-in-law, who has dementia, lives with us– but she’s still fairly easy. I don’t write to shame anyone, and I apologize if I’ve made anyone feel that way. I’m not meaning to doubt anyone’s faith either. I’m just sharing my own personal feelings and thoughts about how “just shoot me” comments make me as an individual feel. And I’m thankful to have received overwhelming feedback that it has been helpful and appreciated. And I’m sorry for a few who I may have unfortunately offended.
My heart goes out to everyone who has a loved one with Alzheimer’s and to all who have the disease themselves. It is a painful journey for everyone. I have cried my heart out often over the last ten years as I’ve slowly been losing the mama I knew. And whenever I think it is more than I can bear I find God gives grace. And I hold on tighter to Him. And I try to notice and thank Him for the blessing moments. And heaven keeps getting more and more precious.
I’m thankful to know that you know the Lord and His mercies, Mary. And I thank you for sharing your own feelings so eloquently. May God continue to give you strength and comfort and grace for each day.
~Cheryl
Cheryl, thank you for sharing this. It is difficult to see my mom going through this. And so hard on my dad who loves her so dearly. But she is a wonderful woman whose mind is not always in control. This disease makes me marvel at how the human brain must work. I pray for my dad as he lives with Mom and sees that she gets all of her meds on time despite what she may say, makes sure that her hair is done, and treats her like a queen. They are still a precious couple and I love them dearly.
Thank you, Patricia. I pray for my dad, too. He took care of mom for years. Though she’s still at home with him now, he’s not able to actually take care of her anymore because of his blindness and unsteadiness on his feet. But he is still her companion and comfort and such a heroic example to me of sacrificial love. And you have that example, too. We are blessed. Thank you for sharing! ~Cheryl
Nice sentiments. If you have a family. My husband did not want kids. Once he is gone I will be totally alone. No family. No friends. If I get a diagnosis I hope I m able to kill myself right away rather than end up in some state run nursing home being painfully neglected and abused. That’s what happens to tens of thousands of unwanted and unnecessary people like me. I will tell strangers to let me end my life. It is of no value. That does not diminish the lives of people who have value.
I’m so sorry you feel this way, Hoke. I believe every life has value, because God created each of us. And He loved each one of us so much He sent His only Son to take the punishment for our sins, so all that believe in Him can have everlasting life. (Based on John 3:16) God offers abundant life for those who love and follow Him. Not a perfect or easy life, but a life abundant with His love and peace and presence. Christians who have been imprisoned and tortured and martyred for Jesus name have died with peace and for His glory. You could read some of their stories in the Foxe’s Book of Martyrs or in Extreme Devotion from The Voice of the Martyrs. It is amazing how God can give grace and strength to those surrendered to Him in even the most difficult of circumstances. I hope that you will connect with people in a local church where Jesus and the Bible are believed and taught and that you will come to know and walk with God Himself. And then you will know how precious and valued you are.
Only a mature spiritual person that allows the Holy Spirit to work in his / her life can say what has been said in this article.
Beautiful! I would not have missed a moment of caring for my mother during her time of dementia! I am sorry for ever feeling sorry for myself. I see now it wasn’t about me but that is hard to see at the time. You have said all the things that is in my heart. I didn’t know it at the time but she was still teaching me all the way to the end.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Daphne. I have felt sorry for myself, too, sometimes.But there are sweet moments and lessons from God along the journey for sure– and I don’t want to miss any of them. May God comfort you in your loss, Daphne. And thanks again for your comments!
Thank you
You are so welcome!
If I’d taken the time to write down my thoughts, I couldn’t have said them any better than this. Mom celebrated her 86th birthday on March 15, I read this two days later . Our tradition has been cupcakes for all who take such good care of her! (And then there was the birthday balloon . . . ) . . . I post this not to elevate myself, but to share the awareness that God’s gift of humanity comes in all shapes and kinds. His love is for us when we’re seemingly whole and when we seem broken. But the thing to remember is even when we are broken, all of us deserve to be treated with love and respect, not written off because we’re no longer “perfect”. Fortunately God led us to a place for mom where the entire staff believes this. We are blessed, both with the continued presence of our mom and with the people who help us care for her.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts, Laura. And a happy belated birthday to your mom!
What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing with us, I’ll show this to my children as well.
Thank you!
Also, never, ever stop telling them how much you love them every time you talk to them. They can hear you. In the final moments of my mother’s’ life last year she had been in a morphine induced sleep for a week. This was to make her final days as painless as possible.
As I sat beside her on her bed in the nursing home, I leaned over and whispered in her ear that it was okay to let go and that God was waiting for her. I brushed her hair said “Mom, I love you very much, always know that.” She opened her eyes, looked at me and said “Bob, I love you too.” At that moment, she passed away looking at me.
I miss her every day and hate the disease of Alzheimers that took her away. But I never missed an opportunity to tell her how much I loved her, even in her final moment of life.
I agree, Bob. I tell my mom I love her all the time, though she usually just stares back blankly at me now days. I so LOVE how your mother responded to you in her last moment! What a precious gift! Thank you for sharing your story!