Posted by I was skimming some other dementia blogs lately and a reader had written in saying, that though she felt guilty about it, she wished her mother would die in her sleep and not have to continue living through the pain and indignity of dementia. I’ve heard others say things like, “I’ve told my kids if I ever get Alzheimer’s just shoot me.”
I understand where these comments are coming from, but they make my heart heavy. I feel like these attitudes devalue my Mom’s life right now. Even though they are not specifically referencing her, they are in effect saying that people like her are better off dead. It is hard to see Mom changing and confused and upset. But she still has sweet times of love and joy, too. And God still has a purpose for her life.
He is growing our patience as we care for her. He is developing our tenderness and mercy. God is giving us opportunities to show love to a dear mom who loved us all so well when she was able and strong. He’s sending us smiles and laughter with Mom’s quirky ways and funny words. He’s challenging us to love faithfully when she is angry and difficult.
People with dementia are still people. And God still has a plan for their lives. Even when they are bedridden and can do nothing at all, maybe their very life keeps us clinging to God more. Maybe their very existence draws us closer to God as we seek Him and cry out to Him.
I fear having AD someday myself. (My mind already concerns me too often.) But if that day comes I’m not going to tell my kids, even jokingly, to just shoot me. What I would say to them is this…. Pray and trust God to guide you. Get as much help as you can. I don’t want you to sacrifice your life plans or family for my sake, but I want to always be part of your life.
If you need to find a nursing home for me, I understand. Pray about it and seek wisely. And then visit me often. Even if I don’t seem to know you, believe in your heart that part of me does. Hold my hand and talk to me. Tell me all about your life. Sing to me and read the Bible to me, please. Brush my hair and tell me memories of your childhood.
If I’m still able to chew be sure to bring chocolate. (You know your mom.) And hopefully I’ll have some adorable grandchildren to marvel over.
And don’t forget to take some time to just sit quietly next to me. Hold my wrinkled hand and let God whisper to your soul. I’m so sorry you have to go through this painful journey with me, but God will give you strength and grow you through it all. Hold fast unto Him. Sink deep into His love.
Everything will be better in heaven. Meanwhile, when I can’t talk anymore; just know that I love you forever and that being a mom to you was an honor and the delight of my life.
That’s what I’d say to my children. Oh, and I might throw in a “Be nice to your brother” for old-time’s sake.
God's Grace and Life's Challenges 
Thanks for the ping!
Cheryl
My Mother had Alzheimer’s for 15 years, passing at age 78..It was a very long difficult journey for us all but I did learn alot during it. Only now through this article and your responses do I realize the purpose of her lengthy illness..It was to teach my Dad and I some very valuable lessons and it brought us even closer together. Even though he actually passed 5 years before her, I continued being responsible for her care.I saw her every day!!.Thanks for that insight. I miss her so much but she faced it with dignity and a smile even after she was bedridden and nonverbal. Go in peace and be whole again with God..<3..
Prayers go out to all of you enduring this journey..
Thank you, Diane. God bless you for caring for your mother and giving her smiles and blessings! ~Cheryl
I fear being a burden to my family, as I already have struggled with health issues for 10 years and have ceased being the wife and mother I used to be at age 54! My personal belief is that it is selfish to ask my children to visit me even once after they find a place who’ll take me. I only ask that they find a place they’ve checked out thoroughly and are assured of good care. The staff can spend time with me, I won’t know the difference.
On the flip side, if there weren’t someone in my life who needed to learn something, I don’t believe I’d have Alzheimer’s I the first place! I also believe that ONLY GOD has the right to take me out, so I guess I could be around for a while!
Thanks for your comment, Sue. I fear being a burden too. I can understand what you mean about it being selfish to ask children to visit, and I do struggle with being a selfish person. But I actually think my children would be better off if they did visit. I know it would be hard for them, and maybe it would mean little to me depending on where my mind was at, but God calls us to honor our parents. And He promises to bless those who do. I think if they visited me they would find blessings and have less to regret when I was gone.
And yes, I agree, there are many lessons to be learned for those loving and caring for those with Alzheimer’s and dementia. And absolutely only God has the right to end life! Thanks again for your comment.
I believe that the concept of “being a burden” is a lie from the enemy of our souls. My mom is no more a burden to me then I was to her when I was a helpless, crying infant who could do nothing for myself. She is now my “baby.”
I agree, and there is one other factor to think about with visiting: it’s pretty well known that no matter how good the care facility, the people who have regular visitors get better care, because of the accountability factor.
People who get visits get better care. Ugh. But true. I’ve worked in a nursing facility and was shocked at this truth.
I’ve heard this too, Janet and Katharine. Thank you for sharing this truth.
This is so beautiful! I’m sharing it. I feel the very same way about my father who is in the dying stage of AD. There are times I have thought “I wish he could just go to sleep”. When I think about that, I know it’s selfish. I don’t believe he is suffering. I know I am though. He dies a little bit each time I see him. It hurts me to see him so weak when he used to be this big strong man. I guess it’s the unknown that bothers me most. I don’t like surprises very much. Maybe that is what God is trying to teach me. ” be still and know that I am God”. Psalm 46:10. You have a very good attitude about this. Perhaps God is using you to teach me?!? Blessings ❤
Thank you for taking time to comment, Teresa. I’m so sorry you and your father are on this difficult journey too. It is painful for sure. But I love the verse you shared. And that’s the only way I can get through it all– trusting that He is God and He will give us grace one day at a time. He is with us always, and that is the comfort. Thank you for your encouragement! God bless you! ~ Cheryl
I visit my Mom a few times a week. She can’t speak and the cataract in her left eye has taken half of her sight. She can’t swallow anything but honey thick food. Her arms and legs are contracting no matter how many times she is massaged and stretched. Her skin is breaking down and sores happen with the least bit of pressure. It’s been over 10 years since she went to a memory support assisted living. 5 years ago she stopped walking and soon after had to go to a nursing home. She is only 87 years old. My sibling don’t visit because they find it too painful to see her like that. I only hope that if my day comes and I am in the same shape that at least one of my children will take time from their lives to visit me. I have recently heard about a drug that has been tested on humans to slowdown the progression. I wish it would reverse what Mom has to deal with. God help us all.
I’m so sorry, Nancy. It is so hard to see our loved ones suffering. God bless you for visiting your mom. And may He give you strength and grace for each day. ~ Cheryl
My heart goes out to you. God bless you for all your strength.
Thank you, Dawn! God gives strength and grace day by day.
Thanks for posting! ~ Cheryl
WOW! Did she read our minds or what? Thanks for making me cry, again. Love you & miss you! I pray every day for God to give me strength!
My mother had alzheimer’s. Even when she couldn’t remember who I was, I think she was aware that I was familiar. She used to look at me and say, “I’ve always loved you.” It still brings tears to my eyes. I miss her so much.
That is beautiful, Terry! My mother has said that occasionally– but not for awhile now. Now I mostly get blank stares.But I love that you have that to remember. Thanks for sharing and God bless! ~ Cheryl
My Dad had AD for 3 years before he passed. He was in a special care unit for AD and when I would visit him he did not have a clue who I was but he would take my dog (a chocolate lab that I used to train fire prevention and fire safety to school kids) around from room to room and be able to tell any one who would listen all about the life of the dog and how the dog and his son were so good to each other. The stories he would tell were facts of history and his mind was clear and right. There is always a part of any one who loves another that stays with them for ever. Work on the good times and let God help with the rest.
Wow! How interesting! I love that you visited him with your dog and that he still had those connections! And your last sentence is a great motto! Thank you for commenting, Ken! God bless! ~ Cheryl
Palliative care rather than bouncing back in and out of the hospital when everything else starts to go. Cognitive impairment declines with each surgery. There is a time to let it go and I will be just fine with that. If families had to pay for extended medical care on top of severe alzheimers disease things would be different. Good days become out numbered by bad days should be considered. Theses conversations need to be had.
I agree, Caroll. I would be very hesitant to do any surgery with my mom. I just want to keep her as steady and comfortable as we can.
God bless. I just watched my dad die in this state. My mom kept him home with our help until the last 4 months of his life. Those last 4 months were the hardest but I just kept talking to him. The last time I saw him before he slipped into his coma, he recognized me and told me I was still his baby. He seemed at peace and calm and knew. I am so thankful that God gave me those last minutes with him. I miss him so much.
Janet, how precious that he recognized you in the end and said you were still his baby! What a treasure! And what a blessing that he seemed at peace and knew. May God comfort you in your loss. Thank you for sharing. ~ Cheryl
My Mother has dementia and is in a memory care home. Growing up she would always say “if I get like xxx just slip me a mickey and let me go” Now that she seems so lost and miserable all I can hear are those words. I pray every night that her pain will end but she wakes up and the pain continues.
I’m so sorry for the pain you are both in, Judy. I believe that God has a purpose for every day He gives us and that He will take us home when the time is right. I’m praying right now that God will comfort you and your mother and that you will be strengthened by His grace. ~ Cheryl
A person never knows who these loved ones off ours are going to impact though. My grandmother was in a state where she was unresponsive after being in a nursing home for several years with multiple myeloma. I stood by her bed and asked God why she was still there, why he didn’t just take her home. The still small voice of God whispered to my soul that He wasn’t finished with her yet. It wasn’t until years later that my daughter, who was not surrendering to God at the time, told me how much those times of visiting grandma in the nursing home meant to her. My grandma did rally round from that instance for awhile longer and she was able to love her family with the words she could manage and her smile and hugs. I’m glad God kept her there for my daughter. He knew she needed it. FYI: My daughter is not fighting God any longer and has opened her heart to Him.
Wow! Thank you for sharing, Rokettia! Only God knows when our lives on earth are done. God bless you! ~Cheryl
This is a wonderful article.
Thank you!
You speak from the heart of a servant of God. May He continue to shower you with love, patience and wisdom to continue to see the path laid out for you in this difficult, yet humbling journey. God is with you and all of us who put our trust in Him.
Amen! Thank you, Gretchen!
What a wonderful way to think. I lost my Dad to AD several years ago and he passed away 10 mo ago. I miss the man my Dad was, but I also miss being able to see the person he became as he become more lost in the disease. My mother went to see him twice a day, every until the last week of his life when we sent all the remaining days with him. I know the example she set for me was great, and seeing her love for their Grandfather was a great blessing to her grandchildren. It was a horrible thing to go through, but we learned so much. My Mom doesn’t hardly know what to do with herself now.
I’m so sorry for your loss, but thankful you and your children have had such a beautiful example of love. May God comfort and strengthen you all.
My dad passed away one year ago today. Yes, AD is a terrible thing to go through. Yet, I have precious memories of beautiful moments he and I shared at times. I also have a deep gratitude for the blessings from a loving heavenly Father who gave me patience and understanding beyond my own to show my dad he was loved through the journey.
I love your perspective and example, Mari. Thank you for sharing. I am not a patient person, but I feel that God has given me a special patience with my mom, too. He is faithful and good. May your precious memories and the presence of God comfort you in your loss. ~ Cheryl
I love this – thank you so much! My mom had AD and had also watched her Mother go through the same thing. She told me once that if she ever had to be placed in a nursing home, that I should just slit her throat. Well the day came when we did have to place her in an assisted living facility. I am the youngest of 8 children and lived out of state and did not get to see her often. She forgot me first… It really upset one of my brothers and he would often comment on how much he knew it had to hurt my feelings. While I did hurt – I hurt for her – not for me. The last time I visited while she was still talking and mobile, I walked in and asked her if she knew who I was. She gave me a “how can you be so ridiculous” look and said – you are my daughter. I didn’t ask which one, as I was thrilled that she knew I was hers!! The day before she passed away I was alone for a while with her and while her eyes appeared to be a dark blank space. She was not talking at this time. I still talked to her to let her know how much she was loved and that her children would all be fine and that she didn’t have to be here for us anymore. She had raised us to be strong men and woman and her job was done. Not knowing if she understood anything I said, I was still reaching for some type of connection. Several hours later one of sisters came in and sat down next to her and asked her how she was doing. She calmly looked at her and said ” I don’t need to be here for you”.
My mother heard me!!
Wow! Isn’t that amazing? We just never know when they will have clarity.So we need to keep communicating and showing them love. Thank you for sharing your story! God bless! ~ Cheryl
Dear God please find a cure for this horrible disease. . My mom had this n it’s sad. I feel for both . Is there a chance a cure is coming?
There is a new ultrasound technology that is reversing/curing dementia in mice. Let’s pray that it will work for humans! Wouldn’t that be amazing?!
What a beautiful statement to such a horrific disease.
Thank you, Lori!
Thank you so much for this very beautiful reminder that my mom is still a person and that God has a plan for her life, even now. Both of my parents battled this cruel disease. My Father passed away 5 years ago and my mother, who lives with my family, is still alive. It’s been so hard to watch my “rocks” crumble into child-like pebbles right in front of my eyes. But those occasional moments when I get to see the mom I so desperately long for , make it all worthwhile. My other siblings, who all live nearby, don’t visit her very often and it makes me sad. Ultimately, I know it’s their loss and not hers. My mom is very happy and I just want her to get to finish her life with the dignity she had when she could make her own decisions. I’m so grateful to have a husband and son who are willing to help make her final years joyful, even though she doesn’t really understand all we sacrifice to accomplish it. I can’t turn my back on the woman who gave her very last to make my life better. This is my small way I honor her life. I too fear the diagnosis, but I will embrace it with new hope THANKS TO YOU! The weight of this disease rests on the caregiver more than the patient. So, I don’t know what my expectations are for my son if this is my fate later on…I guess it would be to simply honor me by making sure I have as much dignity as possible without allowing my illness to consume his life.
Bretha, what a blessing that your mom is very happy (Mine is so often upset and agitated these days.) and that she has YOU and your family caring for her. I so know what you mean about seeing “the mom you long for” in the occasional moments– those are the gifts from God. Your reference to your rocks crumbling into child like pebbles is so poignant and true. It reminds me of another post I wrote… when Mountains Crumble. I’m trying to post a link to it here… Thank you for your encouraging words and for your beautiful example of honoring your mother. May God bless you. ~ Cheryl
I respect your right to have what you want in the event of AD or any illness or injury. However I question your placing all the responsibility on your family. Have you made plans financially for your care? Have you picked out the care facility? Have you made a list of favorite scripture and hymns? Is your will or trust done? How about your durable power of attorney? Have you sat down and talked about what you want to have happen….feeding tube, CPR? Plans for a funeral or memorial? Burial or cremation?
I believe we have a right to end our lives the way we want. Yet with rights come responsibilities. I won’t bankruptcy my kids/family – financially, emotionally, physically, or spiritually – to have my way. I must plan and leave the resources necessary to meet my wishes.
There is a lot of truth and wisdom in your words. The past two years of caring for my parents with dementia would have been much less stressful if they had done more advanced planning. There are many days when I would love to just be there with them, but I have been preoccupied with their financial and legal affairs. Facing our own decline and eventual demise is not pleasant, but is an act of love we can do for our children.
http://lifeandgodliness-rebecca.blogspot.com/2016/03/vocation.html This is a link to a post I wrote last week about time with my mother who is much further down the road than yours! I couldn’t agree more with you about what I’d say to my children.
Thank you, Rebecca.
Beautifully said. I shared precious times with my own mom during her 3 years with A.
Thank you! I’m glad to hear you have those precious memories!
This post hit close to home today. My dad has dementia – he was diagnosed at only 52, when I was 18 and my brother only 15. (I wrote a little bit of my story on a blog as well at jourdanschulte.wordpress.com if you are interested in sharing stories.) He is now almost 58 and is seemingly a hollow body most of the time. He doesn’t know me, and it hurts. In reading this, I imagined him saying these things to me, and it brought me to tears. I miss him so so much. Thank you for your post, and I pray for comfort and peace in the days ahead for both you and your mom.
Jourdan, I’m so sorry that your dad has dementia at such a young age and that you have lost so much of your dad while you are still so young. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for your prayers. I pray for your comfort and peace as well, for you and your dad. ~Cheryl
I once cared for my mother years ago, when she had surgery on her back and needed help.I stayed with her for a little over a month. She lived in Kentucky at the time, and I live in Texas. The rest of our immediate family lives an hour or less away. But the entire time I was there, they never came by to visit and see how she was doing, or if they could help in any way. That event still bothers me. I can’t comprehend why they wouldn’t come by being that close. I let a job go, because I was there so long. My mom was more important, and I was pretty sure I could get another job. I guess after that, my feelings are I’m not sure I would count on my family to take care of me. Not my brothers and my sister anyway. To be sure have that conversation ahead of time.
Susan, I have had similar experiences with relatives myself and it is hard to understand and sometimes heartbreaking. I think it’s fairly typical that the bulk of caregiving often falls to one person who for whatever reason seems most available and/or qualified or just plain willing. I’m not saying that is right–but very common. I do believe though that there are special blessings for those who serve their loved ones through the hard stuff of life. And that what we do for the least we are doing for Jesus. I could have “that conversation” ahead of time–but who knows what circumstances will be like in the future? Only God. So I will trust Him and hope I’m showing my kids a good example of caregiving now.Thanks for your comment and God bless you for sacrificially caring for and honoring your mother. ~Cheryl
This was beautiful, thank you!
Thank you, Kris!
Your words could have been my own. My parents are in their mid-90s and both have dementia. Caring for them has been the biggest challenge of my life, but I am a better person for the experience. I have developed a total dependence upon God as I have determined to serve my parents with love and dignity. Staying a step ahead of their unpredictable ways has been such an exercise in frustration, but I am developing patience and perseverance. Doing unsavory tasks such as cleaning soiled laundry and carpet due to incontinence has reminded me of the years they kept me clean when I couldn’t help myself. And just as they held my hand and protected me from harm, I am privileged to do the same for them. The rewards have been great as I see the joy on their faces when they see me. Having the opportunity to kiss their cheeks and say “I love you” is something my friends would love to do if their folks were still living. I can’t count the tears I have shed in the last 2 years, but I know they are saved in a bottle and are precious to God. Your tender words have given me the push to step back and reflect on this experience and count the blessings. That’s something I have needed to do for quite some time. Thank you and God bless.
Thank you, Kris.
Beautiful, Kris! You are inspiring! May God continue to bless you and give you grace and strength for each hour!
Thank you for so beautifully articulating my very thoughts. My mother has had some memory problems for a while, but had a crisis almost two years ago and was ultimately diagnosed with dementia. I kept her for six months in my home last winter, doing alternative therapies, and again for three months this past winter. She is slowly declining, to the point of not knowing me at times. We both found it so sad and frustrating, but I learned to be thankful for the good times and to be creative during the bad times. When she would tell me she wanted to go home to see Jesus, I would remind her that He still has a purpose for her… most likely to teach me some lessons I would rather not learn! We would laugh and carry on. So very painful.
I can relate, Rhonda. My mom doesn’t know me anymore either. It is a hard journey, but there are blessings along the way and God gives grace as we depend on Him. Thank you for the example you are. May God bless you!
My father suffered for years but God used his life clear to the end! His journey deepened my faith and even though he didn’t know me, I knew him!! The last few weeks I’ll cherish forever. The Lord took him quickly and painlessly from cancer. He was even singing the day he died. I greatly encourage anyone in this situation to remember how much God is right there with you! ♡♡♡
Thank you, Rhonda, for your beautiful example. I love hearing how you were able to cherish those last weeks with your father. And yes, knowing God is with us is our strength and comfort. God bless you. ~Cheryl
Thank you for putting words to my feelings.
And thank you for your comment, Laura! I’m grateful to hear I was able to do so!
Thank you for so clearly articulating what so many of us can’t. I had the privilege of being my parents’ caregiver for over a decade. Caring for a AD parent can allow you to get to know them so much more deeply as a person. Mom would talk for hours, although lost in time, she was crystal clear about events and people. I experienced her history in a way that gave me a deeper understanding of her life journey. I went from being her daughter, to a lady that “took good care of her”, and finally to Mama. I was humbled, when she told Mama all about her daughter, her hopes, dreams and fears for her. I learned how to listen and be in the moment even if that was moment was 50 years ago.
I fear AD. The family history is strong, on both sides of the family. I purchased really good long term care insurance. It was like paying a second mortgage but I paid it off in 10 years. I don’t know that you can even purchase “whole life” LTC insurance any longer. I plan to find a place that offers a continuum of care independent memory center services. I want to do it early enough that I can be sure it is the place for me, to see how they care for their AD and nursing care folks. Thanks to LTC Insurance I’ll have the resources to pay for it.
I will always cherish our outings, her stories and singing with Mom and the Andrews Sisters in waiting rooms.
Thank you Mary-Ellen for sharing your beautiful and inspiring story. I love how your mother could still talk about her daughter to you! (Though I suppose it was strange for you–my mom hasn’t seemed to remember she has a daughter for years now.) It sounds like you handled your mother and life planning so wisely. My mom has LTC insurance and we are thankful for that and the help we’re getting. I’m so glad you have memories to cherish. May God bless you richly. ~Cheryl
Thank you for beautifully articulating what I believe in the depths of my soul. Sometimes the grief is overwhelming, though, and I lose sight of Truth. I will come back to this post when I need a reminder. Two other helpful resources have been Henri Nouwen, who worked with disabled adults, and Michael Card’s teaching on biblical lament. Blessings to you in your journey.
Thank you, Judith, for your encouraging words and for your recommendations! Blessings to you also!
Today is my mom’s birthday but she doesn’t know it. And, as difficult as it is to watch her suffer (and suffer with her both for her and for myself), your post has helped me in submitting to God’s timing and His will. In my pain I had forgotten the days with her are precious. Today is a gift from Him and I am grateful I can still love on her.
What a beautiful comment, Judith. Thank you for sharing. I pray God gives you some special moments today and that He blesses you.
This is beautiful. Having lost my dad to a rare case of early onset dementia, and the struggles we all went through during those years, I choose to believe he would have told us this same stuff… He was only 49 years old when He died. We suddenly lost my mom this last Christmas unexpectedly, and I think she would say all the same even though she left us in a different way. This is a true, heartfelt post. Tugs right at the heartstrings and exactly what I feel.
Thank you, Rebecca. I’m so sorry for your loss. May God comfort you.
My mom had her birthday celebration March 3rd. She is 83 with Alzheimer’s.. She got diagnosed in 2013. My mom walks and understands commands, her brain connects okay. She knows who I am but she is not talking any longer, and she is having serious problems swallowing her food. By December she was 118 pounds now she is 93 pounds. Doctors are suggesting that she needs to have a Gastronomia. I am not sure if this is right. I pray for God to guide me. I don’t know what to do. She has nice life in the senses of caring and love. If this is a natural process to death why should I interrupt it with a Gastronomia? Right now I feel like any moment she can die. My heart is broken.
My heart goes out to you, Lisseth. My mom had a similar episode in January and we almost lost her. Hospice was a wonderful support. We chose not to do invasive treatment and she recovered. I hope you have some support from Hospice – if not, seek them out.
Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience Judith.
Sounds very difficult, Lisseth. I’m so sorry. I’m praying that God will give you wisdom and leading.
How very beautiful…your words. I have friends whose once very intelligent and beautiful and sharp Mother now suffers with this horrible disease. Makes me…ME! … Mad at God and shake my fist at the skies for their sakes. But now I know there is a lesson in there for them. And for myself. A higher calling to be supportive and tender. And just to sit while they sit. Quietly. Praying. ❤️
Thank you, Pamela.
Reblogged this on Tannachton Farm and commented:
oh, dear, so well said.
Thank you for posting! ~Cheryl
made me cry this morning. 😦 a friend had shared your post on facebook.
Thank you Father God that our worth and value are NOT in how well we perform, what we know or how much we have! It is because we are all made in Your image, have Your DNA, and Whose gift of grace washed us from all defilement and limitation on Calvarys Tree.
Thank you that all of us are Your cherished children… because of who we ARE… not who we should be. We are magnificent human BEINGS … NOT human ‘doings’! We will collectively trust You for the path we will each take… for You will still be with us, holding our face in Your hands!… Ruth
Amen!
I’m glad you all are finding such blessings in the battle. All I found was exhaustion and pain and loss during my mother’s 10 year fight with the disease. My daughter is an only child and very conscientious. Therefore, I will make plans to take care of myself, far away so she doesn’t feel she has to visit. She saw what I went through with my mom and I WILL NOT put her through it again. The lessons I learned is that this disease sucks for all concerned except the patient, because they really don’t recognize what’s happening.
I have also found exhaustion and pain and loss. I have cried many, many tears. This is without a doubt an extremely difficult journey. But I have also found lessons and blessings. I have grown to love my mother even more as I’ve served her. I’ve grown to know God better as I’ve depended on Him. My children will each choose how they will deal with whatever takes me Home someday– but I would not purposely choose to deprive them of the opportunity to grow through the challenges and know the grace and blessings God gives as we serve Him. And we really don’t know what the patient recognizes. If you read more of the comments on this post you’ll see some examples even here. I’m sorry you’re battle was so difficult and I sympathize with your pain and loss.
I was sincerely lucky that my mother didn’t have this horrible disease. She lived with my husband and I the last year of her life. She wasn’t able to walk or use her arms and hands to feed herself anymore. Everything she needed was taken care of by us. She was miserable and kept saying how she just wanted to go be with my Daddy who had passed long before she did. I have to honestly say, this brought me much closer to God. I prayed like I had never prayed before. I prayed for the strength necessary to make it through each day and to do it with compassion and smiles. Toward the end, my mother told me that “this was a good way to die.” I hope every child who is dealing with a dying parent takes every opportunity they can to be with and do for their parent. I found it was the hardest most wonderful thing in the world. If given the opportunity to do it again, I would do so. It’s never easy to be your parent’s caretaker but God will never give you more than you can handle.
Thank you, Deborah, for your beautiful example. God bless you. ~ Cheryl
Beautiful.
Thank you, Kim!
I agree and love your story. My mom lived with us her last few years and many days she didn’t have a clue who we were. Every once in awhile she did remember stuff. one of the things I learned is that you never win an argument with a person with Alzheimer’s. My mom would sometimes mistake me for my dad and say that she knew the “other women”/my wife was a secret girlfriend of his. I would argue time and again that I was her son (favorite of course) and that the “other” women was my wife. My mom would never believe me and would get so mad. Then we learned not to argue with her and the next time she told me that I was her husband and my wife was a secret girlfriend I just acted like I was my dad and laughed like he would and said she was the maid. My mom said oh ok and we went on to some other topic. By the end of her life I had learned so much more than I ever wanted to know about Alzheimer’s. If only I knew this stuff at the beginning. So keep telling people like me on the front end of their journey!! Thanks, Steve
God bless you for all you did for your mom, Steve. And I wish I had known more at the front end, too. So much of it we learn as we go through the journey. Sounds like you really blessed your mom and have some special memories.
My mother has Alzheimer’s and lives with my husband and I. I care for her full time. There have been many blessings given and received during this process but I do not believe that God has given her this horrible disease to provide these lessons. And I particularly do not think that he keeps her alive because there are more lessons to learn. I think He gives me eyes to see that there are blessings in all things. It is through God’s grace that I have been able to provide this care. I understand whole heartedly the desire to save your loved one and yourself from the suffering that comes from this disease. It is does not dishonor anyone’s life. It just expresses the fear and hurting that exists in the mist of suffering.
The most difficult part for me is my mom-in-law has a milder form of Dementia that allows her to be ‘in the moment’ … comprehending and joining in every discussion with total clarity. That means (to me anyway) that she knows she was put in a nursing home, which she never wanted (had to, because she lost control of body elimination functions, and because she started having falls). Every day she packs her belongings because she believes she is going home. As awful as this sounds, I would like her Dimentia to advance, because I feell she must be living in emotional agony.
My mind and heart are so heavy every day because of this.
I’m so sorry, Kim. My mom has lived at home through our whole journey with Alzheimer’s so far. Yet for years she was desperate to “go home”. Some of the challenges get easier with time and some get worse. May God give you strength for each day.
Reblogged this on maturitas cafe and commented:
These last months have been very heavy for me – first my mom’s death and now care-giving for my dad with Parkinson’s. This post speaks my heart so well. So grateful for this woman’s ability to express words my pen has not been able to write.
Terry, I’m so sorry for your loss and your current challenges. Thank you for sharing my post. I’m thankful to hear it helps express your thoughts. May God comfort and strengthen you in this difficult time.
I cared for my mother with Alzheimer’s in my home for 1 1/2 years, then had to place her in a care center 2 more. I cherish this time because even though she was confused and couldn’t understand many things, her beautiful spirit was clearly there. She remained sweet and the smile that brightened her face was beautiful. My love for her deepened during this time. This time reminded me of a long sunset. The light was not as bright as the day, but became even more beautiful before the darkness claimed the day.
I love the picture you painted with your words, David. What a blessing that she remained sweet and smiling. I’m glad you have precious memories to cherish. Thank you for sharing.
We choose how we live but God chooses how & when we die. May we strive to live with the same grace & mercy He has always shown us & whatever our ailments & diseases, may we have as much dignity in dying as He did on the cross!
Yes. Thank you for sharing BSC!
I guess your mom is living her life with dignity. My father who was such a gentleman and lived his entire life with dignity prior to Alzheimer’s lost all of his dignity. He took his clothes off and walked around naked, he urinated at the bank, he stood up in church and tried to urinate, and he smeared feces on the walls. This was not my father. And although I loved him and still do to this day, I felt relief for him when he had a heart attack and died. He would have been so mortified to see what his life had become. And people who live their entire life with Dignity should not be subjected to what happens when Alzheimer’s hits. So for you I’m glad your mother is still able to live her life with dignity. For my father, and for the many many people out there like him, I understand that death is preferable to living like he did. my prayer for him was to go in his sleep. It did not devalue him as a human being, it did not make me love him less, it did not make him less of a person in this world. What it did was give him the opportunity to join my mother and to get out of the horrible shell in which he was trapped.
Yes, exactly. I just wish peace and an end to the suffering for my mom. Precisely because I love her so much!
Ironically, my mom had AD and she died on January 5, 2016 in her sleep 27 days after my dad died. She was stage 4 and she still knew everyone but she had extreme short term memory loss. I can remember thinking how it would be so wonderful for her to die peacefully so she would not have to endure what was to come. It’s so strange to have received what I thought would be a blessing. My heart aches every day because she is gone and I feel guilty for ever thinking that. Now I am worried about genetics and I have told my husband if I get that then take me out. Thank you for expressing what it feels like to accept your place in this world and to trust God. I might just hang around after all.
Julie– I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you don’t continue to feel guilty. It’s not wrong to want to spare our loved ones pain. I just think we need to trust God with the timing of life and death. And if He continues to give life, even a painful, challenging one, we can trust that He will work good out of it. And if he allows a loved one to die, we can trust Him with that, too. I have worries about genetics, also, but that again is another thing to trust to our God. And yes, I hope you do hang around! Please!
Beautifully said.
Thank you, Annamary!
Thank you, reading that has lifted my heart.
I’m thankful to hear this, Jayne! Thanks for commenting!
What a beautiful message. Thank you for taking the time to eloquently say what many of us need to hear. I too have worked in nursing homes and personally seen family and friends go through this horrible fate. This message will hopefully give caretakers the strength and different perspective it takes to get a loved one through a very trying time.
What encouraging thoughts, Carol! Thank YOU for taking the time to express them!